A new direction (?)

I haven't been on since August and I promise its within good reason.  I went through this sort of Identity Crisis, rethought how I projected myself and how to present it to the rest of the world.  And I went back down to bare basics, read a number of my posts and considered who I was from an audience's point-of-view and this is what I found.

I started from my very first post (and eventual heading).  Retraced my progress and what it meant to have a blog, and if that was different than having a web log. Because they're suppose to be the same thing, I shouldn't be so conflicted, but I was.  On one side, I wanted to report the news, jounalistically w/ editorial spin, bring you the late breaking details and how I feel about them.  And on the other side?  I want to give you my personal and private story, how bits and pieces of the world affect me and whatever I'm doing professionally or otherwise.  I have these two aspirations and the question here is, will it blend?

And so, I've made a decision.  This will remain a personal blog, commenting on things personal and private (to a certain degree).  Professionally, I will be starting a new blog.  And hopefully, I'll  be bringing my friends along.  I'll post details when they become available, so stay tuned!

Metamorphosis

I know I haven't posted the last review and I'll get to it. It's written, I just haven't proof read it--I'll put it up soon.

But I wanted to show up and say something. I'm different today, something has changed. I'd hate to get all spiritual on you, it turns so many of you away, but I feel like nothing can stop me now. As of late, I've been struggling with everything I've been doing, whether or not its been right. Today is different. And I think it has to do with what had happened last night, a solar eclipse.

I get a newsletter from Astrology.com during special events and I got one this morning. Here's a little excerpt from it.

"If your Sun sign or Ascendant is Leo, almost every part of your life will be affected."

As you may already know, my Ascendant is a Leo, and thereby I am suppose to feel a change. [The Aquarians are suppose to feel something as well, they're in line with the eclipse.] And I do, almost like... I'm on another plateau. I feel like I can take over the world today. I know my life will be different from here on out, and I can't wait.


*****

Only fitting that this would be 100 post!

Retrospect

I decided to video blog today, although I think I write (rather type) better, I need to work on not being so fearful of the camera.

Especially, when we'll have paparazzi around I think it's terribly more difficult to run. It'll be all good when they're friends, easier to market stuff too. "Clear the air", dispel rumors, clarify quotes or comments, that sorta case is where the paparazzi does better with you than against.

I could've just uploaded it directly, but YouTube is suppose to be about "Broadcast Yourself" right? Well, let's take this for spin.

Life Resolutions

I've never really been into making resolutions on New Year's Eve/Day, it's not like me to need a day to make a change. Things are a little different this year, deep in my mind I know I'm on the verge of something epic and the day simply marks the beginning of that. I'm not sure now to describe it, but I feel a new aura about myself. It's quite strange really, I'm not sure when it began. Maybe it was the haircut, the purchase of a day planner, or the opening of a new account. It's probably the combination of things, but nevertheless I feel different than the days before. Almost like a new confidence, but confidence is something that I've always had. Today is the first day of the new year, but it merely marks the acknowledgment of that difference.

Witness The Rebirth is a channel on YouTube. We release our first video tomorrow, pending editing session. The artist and I set out to achieve success through our passion for Hip-Hop, but the problem is we aren't of the mainstream ethnicity. Can we still be successful if we release good music? Hip-Hop is in disarray, the number one song is a disgrace. Long gone are the songs about political action and real issues that garnered movement. Three years ago, Jadakiss released a song entitled "Why" with very little response; politically-charged "Mosh" from Eminem also fell to the side, overlooked under sub-par songs. Numbered are tracks about political action and real issues. Now with a country at war overseas and few citizens that could care at home, is this America? Hasn't "freedom of speech" given us a chance to speak our mind, is this what we do with that privilege? The revolution will be televised. Watch as two individuals chase the American Dream, search for the land of opportunity and breathe life back into Hip-Hop music.

I can end a battle with less than three words
If "Hip-Hop is dead", "Witness the Rebirth"

Anticipation::Anxiety

I stand at the edge... looking into the oblivion of the next year--what is to come. I'm doing everything I can to prepare, but I am unsure of what lies ahead. How am I suppose to prepare for something I am so unsure of? I mean, I think I know what's coming. "It's like I can predict the future now." I've planned for this, and I've nearly completed everything that I need to prepare. Are we ready? Am I ready?

***
Checklist (as of 2007.12.27):
ProTools... check
FruityLoops... check
Camera... check
Mohawk... check
Moleskines... check

YouTube... waiting

MMVM... processing
Template... processing
Final Cut... processing
Publishing... processing

Copyright...
Powerbook and G5...
***
Sometimes life throws curve balls, learn to hit them and you'll get paid.

The Good Life

Hey! Take a seat; let me talk to you about something. I know you see me out here, talking a lot about money and this and that. Plenty about material items and you wonder what happened to “it’s not about the money.” Give me a chance to explain. What I’m looking for, well… its peace through success.

It’s difficult to understand that the world is a beautiful place when all you see is people suffering. But people keep telling me this. So now I’m trying to see that. I know there are other issues I could be sitting here worry about. I can’t get distracted by things outside of me, when I dwell on things inside of me. But let me put it to you like this, maybe I could solve the issues I have internally after I solve my external issues. I look at it like this, I have so many people around me that really want to put a good message out in the world and their biggest problem… is money. So let me take away that problem. Yes, it’s good for the roses when it rains... but it’s difficult when it’s always the same.

I’m trying to find out if you really do you see “things clearer through Marc Jacob shades?” Do you really “sleep better knowing you’re going to wake up paid?” [Fabolous, Lloyd – Real Playa Like]

What does it feel like to “pop champagne on a plane?” I already know that “having money isn’t everything, but not having it, is.” [Kanye West, T-Pain – The Good Life]

I’m trying to follow “The Blueprint” to understand that “life is just a beach chair.” I know that there’s “business around corner where the sun don’t shine.” But I’m trying to “let the wheels give a glimpse of hope from one’s grind.” I want to feel the difference between a regular vacation and a permanent one. [Jay-Z, Chris Martin – Beach Chair]

I have goals to change the world and it takes money to do that.
I will “do good” with this money.

But this is what I expect of myself…

“I think you’re really intelligent, but…"

“-you can’t prove it”

“don’t be so hard on your self”

“-I’m not impressed”

“you’re only a student”

“-you’re [a perceived mature age]”

“you’re just [a perceived young age]”

“-everything before ‘but’ means nothing.”

“no one expects you to be perfect”

[Above: Quotes that I have been given to me at one point or another…]

“To the pressure for success can put a good strain / On a friend you call best, and yet it could bring / Out the worst in every person; even the good—insane.” [(Nas), Jay-Z – Black Republican] Following the format of quotes, I’m beginning this blog with three lines of lyric from Jay-Z—with the hope that somewhere there is something, although truthfully I’m not sure what I’m not looking for… just the answer.

That beginning-of-a-sentence, the one at the very top of the page, is just about the most disappointing sentence that could possibly be spoken. I hope no one ever has it said to them, because they have the power to stop a person dead in their tracks. For me, I attach faces saying those words. I close my eyes and the memory wakes me, pushing me forward.

It’s true:
I know I would’ve… but I
I know I could’ve… but I
I know I should’ve… but I

“Remember, nothing before ‘but’ means anything…”

I know what it is… and I know what it isn’t. That’s what it has been, up to this point. I’m sick of being disappointed; more so, I’m sick of being disappointed with myself. And I don’t know how to change. It’s true, “pressure is not your friend,” but how do we make it go away? Is there a way of adjusting the perception so pressure is motivation? What is there to do when every where we turn, we are reminded on what we could’ve achieved but didn’t? [My mind is a prison… Am I the only one feeling this?]

There’s this phenomenon called the “Sophomore Slump,” it refers to an artist(s) high-anticipated second album falling short of the first. Does anyone have an answer to why this happens? Is it the pressure from the label on the artist? Or is it the pressure within? I’m trying not to feel so alone? But with success amongst my peers, what else am I suppose to feel? I don’t even feel like I’m doing the best I can, a part of me knows I can do better. I can be better, but how (and when)?

***

“Hov, how you get so fly” / I said from not being afraid to fall out the sky” [Jay-Z, (Chris Martin) – Beach Chair]
It would take me days to fully analyze and speak on this song… every verse has more depth than any ocean... but maybe that's the answer I've been waiting for

No Comment

Funny thing about perspective… it comes from the strangest places.

I wrote something last week and I spoke about knowing the full story before you speak… I find myself in discussions that I know little about. I suppose I didn’t really understand what I was saying until I took a look at myself, maybe a little detail and some residual self-image.

Maybe it’s just what is expected of me or the way I carry myself, but my opinion is expected to be voiced at any and all times. In some particular topics, I don’t have one. I’m sorry… I’m trying, but I may not up-to-date or whatever it may be. I suppose it’s a fault of being human, probably something that is nearing the status of hatred in my book, but sometimes I don’t have an opinion. But now, here’s the killer…

I voice anyway…

sucks…

doesn’t it?

Now, you’re probably thinking, “just don’t, and it’ll be fine.” Oh, but I have to keep this up. When a teacher asks you a question, is the appropriate answer “I don’t know?” Have you ever really tried it? I never have, but quite frankly, all they want you to do is at least try. Now, I’m not saying what they want you should do, but c’mon… you’d try right? So when your peers ask your opinion and all eyes on you here, would you be satisfied with “I don’t know?” After some long speech about how much your significant other loves you and they count the ways, what would you do? “Yeah, I love you too”… hmmm… I don’t think that’s gonna be enough. Maybe that’s just me here, but I suppose one should respond something with a bit more substance… but maybe that’s just me.

I know a couple of little fishes that don’t have a problem with not saying anything. They’re just swimming along and taking it all in, no doubt keeping it in their bottomless pit of knowledge and experience. I suppose some would describe them as passive, but it’s what they don’t say, that’s what people should be worried about. [Maybe I’m not wrong in speaking when it’s needed, and they’re guilty of saying nothing when something needs to be said.] Its okay, their slightly prone to exaggeration, if that doesn’t balance it out some. I think this admiration that I’m detailing is with a dash of jealousy. If I could be more internal, it would keep me out of many difficult situations. I suppose it’s my wicked tongue that gets me into trouble. This hunter should learn to shoulder his firearm… or grab a big net and go on a little trip. No… but seriously, every now and again, I have to pocket my blade and leave it holstered.

It’s bad to toast with water, and alcohol doesn’t do too well for you anyways, but cheers…

to speaking when it’s appropriate.

You don't know the half of it

Time has moved on… the rest of life has continued to pass us by. And I’ve said it before but to reiterate, the past is what makes us who we are.

So often has something happened and I’ve expect its face value as fact. Long ago, I watched movies, or listen to music, and figured it was all the art of an individual. Then looking at it once again, thought there could possibly be a bit of truth; maybe not so much suspicion but perspective. Possibly, the story told before my eyes is not fake, and is fact known only to a few individuals; and maybe something that comes off as entertaining to some, is reality to others.

My daily proceedings take me through a number of different individuals and their stories. Through these discussions, I blindly (with good reason) assume the entire story has been told. How can anyone expect an honest comment without giving honesty to begin with? Or so I would like to believe… But this is not always the case. There are a number of different reasons why people exaggerate things and I don’t have the capacity to list them all. I, myself, exaggerate for entertainment value. My story is more entertaining when exaggerated, “it’s for theatrical effect”—simply put. Sometimes my audience doesn’t have a necessary need to commit my story to memory, so what do the details really matter. There are some instances where entertainment is what everyone around you is expecting, so stand and deliver. But I suppose there’s an opposite of exaggeration.

The jist of it, or so the story goes, is all the audience wants to know. Those that skip to the end of a novel or read the cliff notes, are merely looking for the skinny. But, I’d argue what is told between two people is the slim version of most stories. I don’t think exact emotions or thoughts are actually discussed in these conversations, I suppose their meant to come out during the telling of the story. But isn’t that why we tell the exaggerated version… to make it more theatrical?

I believe what makes a movie good, as apposed to a personal story, is the fact that things happen in real-time and all emotions are conveyed. The dramatic effect that the audience feels happens at the same moment the character on screen is experiencing it. “I guess you had to be there,” applies more than ever. When someone tells a story, and the audience doesn’t respond, there’s a sense of emotion not being conveyed. Before the audience echoes of nothingness… well… I’d take a second thought because maybe…

Moment of Clarity

This isn’t an introduction from me; it’s not needed because I am who I am. Although, I believe an apology is in order. I’m sorry for not speaking what was in my head so that others my hear it. I apologize for that possible bit of knowledge that may have helped you and wasn’t there when you searched here because you may have thought I would’ve provided it; I will not try, but I will do better next time. I appreciate those that have read what I have written thus far and hope I will gain more audience as the time line is written.

Since my last post I have been searching, simply searching for the answers I may not be ready to handle. During rehabilitation, alcoholics experience a phenomenon referred to as a “moment of clarity.” A moment in which they see the picture in it’s entirely. The truth, and the grand scheme of all things. It is usually the realization of something that affects all aspects of their life, it usually causes them to change their ways and straighten their wavy path. They gain a sense of clarity and thank those that have given them so much. Some credit this to family, others to their friends, and some to God.

From the last posts, a series of events have happened. Those of which, the outcome [which is most important] is displayed here. Some say it is only the journey that matters, but I’d argue it is the journey of life that matters. How is this different? I solemnly believe life can be seen as one whole journey with one end, but also can be seen as many series of events with many conclusions to journeys and an ultimate end. Since the last time we met, I've reached the end of a series. A semester was completed, a year had ended, a birthday had passed, along with countless other things and what have I learned?

Every now and again, one must look from the outside of one’s self to see the whole picture.

Riding through life behind the steering wheel, one can only concentrate on what is in front. Seeing the world from a different perspective can result in a clearer understanding of surroundings. There are pilots and there are passengers, the world is different depending on view from one’s seat.

Now what if you were neither of those; perhaps a third party, the observer, so to speak. What is the view like then? I believe there is much benefit from this perspective. I am allowed to see myself, the people around me, and my environment and from that choose what I believe is the best path or way to proceed. If you agree, then the ultimate question is… how does one generate this view?

What are the questions that needed to be asked? What is the cognitive thought-process that needs to happen? How do we synthetically generate a moment in which we are able to see the truth and how it fits with the whole picture? Is it possible to make a moment of clarity? And if so, how?

Sometimes the answer isn’t where you’d expect it to be, it may not even been where you hoped it would be… sometimes you’ve known the answer all along, but it took something from outside to point it out to you.

Plans Change

There’s got to be a way to do this… a way where I’m not posting every 3 weeks, but never mind that. Let’s just get right to it.

I've never claimed to know everything; in fact, I believe this blog is a breathing example of me wanting to know more—about everything. Personally, I don’t believe one should ever settle. I don’t believe it’s ever possible to be completely content in all areas of life—from matters of the heart to aspects of an occupation. I mean really, how can someone be completely content with everything? [There may be a contradiction in the next few lines, and I’m warning you now.] Following the same train of thought, I believe never to close all doors. It is a good thing to strive for what you believe is best, there are also times where what you think is the best isn’t at all what it should be. Remember, you could be wrong.

I see myself being asked, “How can you put so much faith when you’re not entirely sure if you’re correct?” You know what, I think someone did ask me this… if my memory serves me well. I don’t remember what my exact response was, [something like “you have to believe in something” rings a bell] but it was along the lines of “… if there is no belief in any thing, then there is no reason to strive for anything.” I suppose that answer is probably a truism, and probably one of those things people never know how to respond to.

Either way, “keeping an open mind” is what I’m trying to say. It’s difficult to be completely set on a single idea and not hear other possibilities. The same as it is in Architecture, what we once believed is absolute may end up being the worst possibility. Put effort and time in the things that you believe, live in honesty, love fully and faithfully… and always keep an open mind. [Someone’s supposed to ask “how is it possible to love fully and faithfully when keeping an open mind to other options,” but trust me, there’s a way] The only thing that is set in stone is the past. Our individual histories make us who we are, if everyone believes that then we’d be better off. Some people never want to take responsibility for their lives, it’s always someone else’s fault… although that may be true, time and weathering has made you who you are.

Never settle, never shut all doors, because sometimes…

Citation

As you’ve (hopefully) already noticed… I have a tendency to quote often. I see no problems in this, no problems in restating words that have already been said by great individuals. It’s much easier to use the words that the author used when trying to convey the same idea. I’m not exactly one for taking the easier path, but when an individual doesn’t feel as though s/he is conveying her/his message, it helps the third party understand what the individual is trying to say with a quote.

It is imperative that the context is retained when quoting, a misused quote is damaging to the user’s argument as well as the overall understanding. Sometimes I quote too often and then the quotes become riddles, passages an audience has to figure out. But to me, the essence of the quote is the reason I use them. I love quotes, they capture in the simplest form, an idea without necessarily directly saying it. This takes craft; it’s not easy to provide a good quote, it takes time to find the proper wording. Yet, quotes can be found everywhere in civilization. Movies, Music, and Books/Comics/Graphic Novels are the shining beacons where quotes thrive for me. I extract most of my quotes from these because, to me, these forms of media are most predominant. I have the utmost respect for those individuals that provide quotable material.

In my last post, I spoke about great individuals… most (if not all) these individuals are quotable on some subject matter or another. If we figure out why people say the things they do, we’re gently nudging each other on the same page (and I think that’s where we need to be… you know the threat of an alien invasion is always possible and what are we do to if that happens and we’re still bickering with our fellow man?). When I’m graced with another form of media, I think about the quotes and things that are said/written/read. I wish to be quoted, saying something that no one could have said better until someone actually does. It’s only fitting that I end this post with quotes…

I never have found the perfect quote. At best I have been able to find a string of quotations which merely circle the ineffable idea I seek to express. – Caldwell O’Keefe

A witty saying proves nothing – Voltaire (1694 – 1778)

There is not less wit nor less invention in applying rightly a thought one finds in a book, than in being the first author of that thought – Pierre Bayle (1647 – 1706)

The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotation. – Benjamin Disraeli (1804 – 1881)

I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself. – Marlene Dietrich (1901 – 1992)

Don't Complain

Upon completion of this introduction to fiction writing class, I have learned quite a bit. Of course I've learned about fiction writing, as was expected. What wasn’t expected was the actualization of a theory. We complain about what we see, or don’t see, in ourselves

Over the course of the last few months, I've kept an open ear to comments about my writing. This is what happens in a workshop class. Most of the students gave great critiques and they are much appreciated. Now looking back at the work that needs to be turned in for my portfolio, I find myself realizing the only comments I made to people were pertaining to something I usually do, or something that I wish I could do.

For example: to another student, I wrote they need to express more visual detail or else the reader isn’t allowed to image what is happening, it doesn’t play like a movie in the audience’s head. When it came time to write my own story, guess what was missing… the details. I wrote a story involving a masquerade ball [you’ll get details of this in due time] and yeah I described the mask but they didn’t jump off the page. When I read through the critiques of my story, people made genuine comments… and I noticed when they thought something didn’t quite work out right or wasn’t described in the best fashion, they wanted it to be described in the language they usually use or a language they wanted to use. Someone commented on my sentence structure and how I stuck to a particular style. Well, that person just happens to have the same style when they write. It appears I am not the only one that is hypocritical.

If you don’t believe me, think about when you complain about something. Is the complaint merely about yourself and you’re just projecting it onto something else? Someone was going on a tirade about how they hate people who can’t talk shit to another’s face [or have the balls to say something to a specific person, merely beating around the bush], and what do you know… that same someone just comments on their away message (for aim) [but then again, there’s always another side of the story…]. Hypocritical, I know, but I have yet to see someone who isn’t at one point or another… don’t think you’re not part of this too. Practice what you preach. Or… [see title]

A part of a whole [Part 2]

Throughout the course of this blog, there have been plenty of posts that transmit this overall idea of oneness. This consistent message that everything is better when we work as a whole and understanding that everyone is human has always been apparent in this blog. This “a part of a whole” series consists of rather long posts and I apologize for this, this topic tends to be a lengthy discussion.

Understanding everyone is human is a difficult task on its own, but further to understand that everyone is trying to do the same thing that you’re doing is something altogether completely different. Everyone is trying to live the life they want to live; bare bones, that’s what it is. I don’t believe any rational person wants to live the life that they hate, it’s just not… rational. Why is the CEO/Chairman an ass to the rest of the employees? Because s/he wants to be a leader to company that in all aspects is the best it can possibly be. Why is the neighbor so quick to object to “noise pollution?” Because s/he pictures her/his home/neighborhood in silence. Or maybe, the only type of music s/he wants to hear is the music that s/he enjoys. This is where the conflicts begin; we all don’t have the same ideal of life. My ideal life is probably different than yours. [And everyone needs to get on my page, just messin’] When everyone understands this, then this idea of oneness is much easier to comprehend.

I believe through and through that this is the answer to all of our difficulties and problems. Why do countries go to war? Because one country/leader wants something of its people and it conflicts with what another country/leader wants for theirs. Why do we have the highest car accident rate in the world? Because someone is trying to get somewhere to do something that will make their life closer to their ideal [going to work, going to the park, going to a girlfriend’s house, whatever] and someone else just happens to be doing the same thing and taking the same path. And here, we collide. Why is it so difficult to find a lasting relationship? Because for a [hopefully] long period of time, two ideal lives that two individuals want to live is one in the same or concurrent with each other. [When dating a girl… if you didn’t already know the right page is hers, and she’s already on it so you might as well just get there. Cuz she ain’t jumping onto yours or compromising… hehheh] But seriously, life would be much smoother if everyone took the time to understand the person next to them. Wanna know how to make a relationship work? Ask questions. Plain and simple, no magic tricks, acts of god or planets on silver platters. Two people just have to ask each other one thing, “What kind of life do you want to live?” If the lives sound the same, then together the two of you don’t have any problems [unless of course, the ideal of lives two people want to live are: to be alone and without attachment]. If they conflict you have two options… work it out or walk away. Simple.

[This post is about to get real sour, you have been warned]
It may seem like I think I have the answers to it all, but I’ve never claimed this. Oneness, it’s great and all, but what happens after all that? What’s the purpose of all human beings banding together? For what? If you don’t already know, I believe in purpose. I believe there is a purpose to my life, there’s a reason why I’m here. But is there, can there, be a purpose of all life? Is there a purpose to life as a whole, as a human race? Is it merely for evolution? Or is it a movie for stars? If you’ve got an answer to this, than you’re smarter than me because I’ve got nothing. [If you’ve got it, please comment… I’m begging now because this is something that needs to be answered] I know, as a human race, we are better together; I just don’t know why we need to be like this. What war are we preparing for? [And yes, this question haunts me at night.]

The Archer

Lately, I’ve been all into astrology… for a couple of reasons:

1. It’s pretty damn interesting.


2. It’s pretty damn intriguing.


3. And I’m writing a short story that uses the astrological names as the characters names.

I must admit, that this is pretty difficult to do. The feeling I’m getting is that, for writers, its difficult to create a genuine character—a character that’s realistic and relatable. So, for my short story, I’m taking the traits of the astrological signs and making them into characters just to see what happens when 12 people that are similar but unique are in a room together and how that interaction plays out.
As I’m working on this, I’m finding out more and more about my astrological sign and thus more about myself. Some of this knowledge is made of only the stuff I think about when I lie awake, staring at the ceiling. With astrology, one’s future can be told simply by one’s birth date and location on the planet. This is because all the stars line in a particular pattern and format that can be read. Referring to my “Fate vs. Destiny” post, I’d like to believe that some of my future has not been set in stone. I just gotta have some control over some stuff. What I read, most of which, I liked; but astrology works best in generalities, and so, I disagreed with some of it. I’d like to think that I could make something, that’s against what the stars say, work. If it took defying gravity to achieve my goal, I’d do it [look at airplanes for an example]. I know the stars watch over us, but could I—if I wanted it bad enough—defy the stars?

The Rain

Evening. I meant to post on this topic last night, on the anniversary of… oops… almost let that one slip. No names, I almost forgot my own rules. Anyways… where was I? Ah yes, it is April. And the first fall of the heavy rain, is/was tonight. The rain… it has brought me a couple of stormy days/nights but I still look to the rain to replenish everything on Earth. Tonight’s topic is kind of a two-part integrated comment/advice blog, so prepare for it to be quite vague… but you’ll catch my drift (if the flood doesn’t drown it out).

I’ve had a couple of rough days in the rain; the rain hasn’t always been so nice to me. In another century, I've had a number of days that the rain couldn’t fall any harder. It made me follow a different path and travel down the strange road. In the rain, I lost my way many times down the same path. I've done unaccountable amounts of stupidity in the rain. Time and time again, the rain has burdened me… its heavy weight crushing me with each droplet of acid, burning to leave scars. Nevertheless, I am still here. And from this, what have I learned? The rain will do funny things to you, but beyond its dreary façade… what you truly know is underneath it all.

I've lost my way quite a few times, and I've continued to push in the wrong direction… knowing that it would only lead to me having to back-track. I’m here to bless you with my experience, maybe you have something to gain from what I've done—in the rain.

Something was said to me many years ago in the rain, and well, it led me to believe that something was meant to change on that day. As it rained, the words that were exchanged filled my heart with happiness, ignoring the facts of the calendar. This ignorance left a wound that now has been healed, but leaves a scar—the same as all wounds that are cut deep enough.

A few years ago, I made a decision to do something—blinded by the rain. On the anniversary of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, I put love against nature. I wouldn’t recommend it; it was not a pretty sight and caused quite a few more repercussions than I was prepared for. But alas, I’m still here… so it couldn’t be as bad as the Massacre. Just chalk up another scar.

Recently, this… story continued with another day of rain. As the rain fell, I didn’t know it was happening. Blinded, I continued to walk down this, now familiar path. Book II (or III?), I believe/hope, has now ended. This is a bit sparse in detail, let’s just say…:

We all do these things... we make these elaborate stories in our mind, a view of the situation that we can only see / take a look at what’s really there... what has been really said / as true intentions will reveal themselves

That was taken from a conversation I had. I hope just that little excerpt will help convey what I’m trying to say. This conversation was far deeper than I intended it to be. I believe it may have helped me more than whom it was intended for, and as always… there’s a twist, but this one… will not be revealed when the rain stops.

My apologizes… for being so vague, when it comes to these matters… they must be. In closing, don’t follow down a path of your own created images. Your mind has the power to destroy you, without ever inflicting any physical wounds. Remember that after the rain, there’s a rainbow… sometimes its just too dark to see, but its there. I’ve obviously had more rainy day experience then I would like to relive and with all that, you’d think that I’d hate the rain—but I don’t. I always remember the rain washes away all that doesn’t stain too deeply. It’s just necessary—for all of Earth’s inhabitants to grow.

Dreams

What is it about dreams that keep us lying in bed just a little longer. We all know once we open our eyes, the dreams never return. Maybe it’s the hope of returning to a place where everything seems like it should be… maybe it’s just an escape for our reality. These coded messages that occur when my eyes shut… there’s something about them…

When I was younger, I’d dream… they were about places afar, girls, and gifts. The images would be compiled mixes of things I've already seen and augmented in whatever way seemed fit for my mind. I used to dream of places where things weren’t “normal” or what I was used to. Places where skies weren’t blue and grass wasn’t green. And those dreams still come, but I never try to remember them. I used to dream of gifts, things given to me that would, as a child, make my life better. Maybe a telescope or a new computer… those dreams I just keep stored until I have the bank account to support them. Since I’m so into comics naturally, I’d have gifts there weren’t human… and I've since realized they were merely because of the images I've seen and that I am human… flawed in every way that makes me, me. And yes, dreams of girls… being in a relationship, trips to various places around the world, and of course nocturnal happenings. Although they were never nightmares, they still haunted me then.

Then there was a time where I couldn’t remember a dream at all. Maybe about a year went by where I couldn’t remember a dream once I woke up, I couldn’t even remember having one. At the time, I didn’t think too much of it. It was simply something that didn’t happen. I felt I was content with my life and I never needed to escape it. I lived by the quote “I don’t sleep to dream, I sleep to build stamina,” [Mike Shinoda on a DJ Vice Freestyle]. I don’t remember the day, but my dreams have returned. And it has lead to the question of “Why do we dream?”

As always, I won’t say any names but you can probably tell by my recent posts… and again I’m left with the request that these dreams leave me or that I find something about them… another reason for there presence. And this might be a singular thing that only pertains to me… but dreams have always had something to be read in them. For me, they have to take place somewhere. Most of the time, it’s in a building structure of some kind. Because of this, I have accepted the function of dreaming. And from that, let me make use of them… free and unrestricted imagination. Let me take these dreams and install them into reality. Now that I think about the quote… if I longer can be imaginative while I’m awake, then I will dream/sleep. Come to think of it, I love that quote.

Still [Only] Human

Hey all, how’s everyone doing? Man… I don’t know if y’all saw that a few days ago, but I posted when I was intoxicated. You know there’s that little warning, do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of alcohol or any other drug… yeah… my blog should be in included. After much deliberation, sober, I chose to take it down. Don’t worry; it’s not a post that is completely lost. I will be discussing it later tonight. It was about my retirement and I preferred it be presented in a more honorable manner, such a delicate situation deserves that.

Today, including tonight is all about being human. Someone once said to me... “Carl, are you sure you’re still human?” And I kinda laughed it off… but underneath it all it was like I was becoming a machine; like I was losing my humanity. I cannot be detached from a race that I’m trying to protect and better. I can’t lose being human. Clearly, I’m not divine so I need to prove that I’m not a machine. So here comes the question, can I change myself? Can I better myself? Even of the most advanced machines today cannot notice their own flaws and improve themselves. And that there is key, noticing one’s own flaws. How can you better yourself if you don’t know what you lack? Furthermore, how can I preach something that I don’t even do myself? And yes, there have been times where I was a particular way and I changed it. And along with many great human things, no one was available to witness it in its entirety. So, how do I lead by example when there is no example?

I, of course, already know the answer [or else I wouldn’t be here talking about it]. I feel as though I lack in the reading department. I don’t believe I’ve read enough; yes, I read books from class, but books from class don’t nearly cover as much as I should have read. And yeah, I read stuff about philosophy and about architecture, and I’m in tune with poetry and various amounts of literature. But I’m still lacking in the reading department. I don’t read enough, period; there’s no doubt about it. So to be more well-read, I am taking it upon myself to read more. It’s far easier to change oneself, than to change another. So instead of waiting for someone to make me read [like all those that have tried before], I am going to pick a book up on my own and lead by example. As this blog is a promise to me, and I don’t know how y’all can check on me, but I hope that you will begin to notice the change… hopefully references to novels and plays as well as music and movies will begin to appear. But wait, there’s more. It appears there’s an obligation from the audience.

Simply, I ask for material. How can I be well rounded without hearing from various sources? I have spoken to my closest avid readers and requested a comprehensive list, I hope this list varies as much as the character of these individuals I have asked. Even with this, it is not going to be enough. If you have a suggestion, please never hesitate to present it here. I wait with a willing mind and open hands.

Hello Friend

Wow… it’s been a while, it’s like every time I get to do this is few and far in between. It’s like trying to meet with an old friend; plans don’t always fit right and all that stuff. But don’t forget, I love doing this. So hello old friend, how is everything? As always, I hope all is well and if not it will be. Man… a lot has happened since I was last on here, let’s see… hmmm… lots of work (but you already knew that, because if there wasn’t I’d be on here), you probably don’t care too much for it [if it was architecture, I’d be all about it; but its like trivial stuff, not even school work.] So what’s happened? Just life, I suppose. I got married.


Ha! Yeah right, but it’s a nice transition into tonight’s topic. You know that “How to” page on Google’s homepage is really good. It comments on many different topics that are pretty epic. http://wiki.ehow.com/Make-Your-Parents-Love-You-for-Who-You-Are, that’s a good page if you haven’t read it, it was posted a few days ago. I think your parents, ya gotta be on good terms or else it’s hard to do something you believe in… it’s hard to go through a struggle without any support. Anyways, that’s a topic for next time. Even still tonight’s [was pre-thought before this http://wiki.ehow.com/Have-a-Healthy-Relationship showed up, nevertheless its nice information to read afterwards… it’s a different view (kinda)] topic is on relationships with people (other than your parents). I spend all this time praising wiki.ehow.com and now my argument differs from it. Here’s an original idea: read both and decide on something for yourself. I’m merely presenting my view of things.

Friends… quite possibly the only thing that is so common but not a whole lot of individuals know how to do it correctly. That’s kinda a negative view; I know there are many individuals that have no one else to depend on. It’s that what a friend is some one to depend on? It’s not all they are, but it’s a pretty important trait. When it comes to friends, it’s difficult to find the one that is genuine. I think I’ve been blessed with quite a few individuals I can truly depend on. The criteria for a good friend are pretty extensive, and I know I won’t hit on all the traits… but hopefully I’ll get the heavy hitters.

friend P Pronunciation Key (fr(image placeholder)nd)n.

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.


2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.


3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.


4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.


5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.

(I love dictionary.com, knowledge is power)
Dictionary.com always provides a pretty good basis; I always take it with a grain of salt. I’d argue with 2 and you’ll see why in a little bit. I want to highlight 3 though; I think that’s pretty important.

The people I call friends has quite a few individuals in it, truly individuals, people are very different from each other. And I love it, it’s not just those individuals that I grew up with, so we’re not bound by the simple fact of time. I have newer friends and I have elementary school friends, and they all follow under my criteria for friend. In our current era, (and I’m not helping this either by joining facebook.com, I’ll argue for this later) the term friend has been abused and mistreated. [I see www.facebook.com as a way to keep in touch with individuals that have flown away, it’s nice to check up on people… see how the trials of life have developed whomever, and it’s not to the extent that it is like a stalker (i.e. friendster.com or whatever it is)]

Lemme get on point, I wanna take that definition I highlighted and start there. In the struggle that we call life, we’ll find individuals fighting for the same thing that we’re fighting for. Whether it’s a real problem we’re trying to solve or just trying to have that time where we can take it easy, we’ll have people trying to achieve the same thing. When I think of the people I call friends, I could (and have) told them by dreams and my plans for life. There’s no feeling of their reaction as negative. When you tell someone your dream (not the one some of you have a night), there are a few things that could happen (I’m highlighting two): they could laugh at you or they could accept you (maybe even try to help you get there). When I’ve discussed what I wanted to do in life, (and maybe this is by general nature) but there’s never a fear of being laughed at; further more, I haven’t been laughed at—why tell someone something you truly believe in, if you think you’re going to be laughed at. There are all these intangibles when it comes to friends, it’s never anything material. With this comfort zone of being able to tell someone your deepest thoughts, there comes qualities of the relationship—trust, I think, is the biggest. I trust they won’t laugh, I trust they will accept it, and I trust them with that information. Anyone that’s two-face is not a friend, and everyone knows this but no one really believes it. People can tell when someone isn’t being genuine; you can hear it in their voice or tell by their body language. And I know it’s the tip of the iceberg, but I lost my train of thought [the next section is nagging me to get to it]

So, how to be a good friend… well be genuine. That ehowto I gave earlier, I would argue that’s what makes a good friend relationship. The “how to” takes about a relationship in terms of significant other. I argue all those qualities should be present with your friends. The first section, that’s the best statement of telling the truth to people. Another quality a good friend should have is a good listener. Listen. I’m not talking about just hearing them out, letting them vent. They could vent to a teddy bear or bottle if they wanted to, when someone says something to you—listen to it, and think about it (it’s not hard…). How can you give feedback if you’re not listening? Again, tip of the iceberg, but the next section is naggin’ me [man, I type pretty quickly, there’s got to be a way where I can just think and it types it all out].

Now I argue the “how to” shows how to be a good friend (and it was intended to show how to have a healthy relationship), so the question comes up how do we pick a significant other? Because obviously those qualities have to be present when picking a significant other, what separates a friend from a significant other? Now I haven’t completely mapped this out, but there are a few things that would separate a friend from a significant other. I think being attracted to, is something small but a part of it. More importantly is someone you want to procreate with. Someone you want to create life with, that’s not exactly something that’s done between friends. I know I’m a reflection of (both) my parents, I can see traits and qualities of both. Think about this when picking a significant other. Basically, what would you like your kids to be like? This will probably lead to some argument for dating, something along the lines of seeing how they react to particular situations and finding their true nature (we’ll talk about this later). But back on point, significant other, the person you marry is and should be someone you’d like to see copies of—someone to procreate with. Here’s something to think about: How can you choose who to be with, if you’re not comfortable with yourself?

And as always, these are my opinions; they have been developed as a result of my experiences and thoughts. With that, I always welcome yours because they are derived from your experiences and your thoughts.

Behind The Falling Curtain

Hey everyone! Just finished the final, which means it’s the end of the semester… Me and the reflective kinda guy that I am, would like to take a moment to look back on the semester that just passed, can’t really know where I’m going unless I know where I've been. Many things have changed since the beginning of this semester. Made a lot of decisions, some I didn’t want to make… many I needed to make… and most I made confidently (partly because of the coin flip… shhh). Man… this is starting to sound like the end… if you’re thinking this, you’d be mistaken… this is only the beginning. I will post from my parents house as often as I develop my thoughts and ideas. If you’re still taking this as a close then let it be a closing statement to the fall semester of 2005, that should satisfy what I’m feeling right now. I hope all of you have learned something this semester, either through me personally or through this blog and the conversations that you have with others. I hope you all will tune in for the next episode. You know I’ll be here!

Hey, I know everyone doesn’t run on the semester and I don’t either… this break… hopefully Imma lay the grounds for another font. Finalize a few things on the old one, so I can get that posted up and ready to be published. I know there are many things I wanna change. Trying to be so universal and direct is difficult because there are so many different types of people in the world. It’s hard to design something that applies to all and still have something that’s uniform. It’s like I have to find something that all unique people have in common, which is sorta not possible because if they are all unique then how do they have something in common. But it’s been done, so I won’t stop until I do find something that can be related on all sides and still apply to unique individuals.

More and more I see myself as a contradiction. The more I speak, the more I contradict myself. Why is it every time that I pull from the world and apply it in a singular fashion, it becomes a contradiction? How come when I say it, it’s a contradiction; but when God does it, it’s not? I have been playing with something in my mind. [This kinda branches from that whole speaking without having to use language or saying any words] Because God is God, God can contradict without having to say any words and whatever was said by God wouldn’t be a contradiction… Maybe if God spoke God would contradict the words that are spoken? I say the world is full of separate entities and very complex, and very simple. This is a contradiction, when God does it, it’s not a contradiction. See what I’m saying? I ask the question can God make a rock that God cannot lift. If God makes it, it’s not truly a rock God cannot lift because God can do anything God wills. If God can’t make it, then that has to be incorrect because God can do anything God wills. God must be defined without limitations. It’s wrong for God to be limited, its wrong by definition of God. Just by asking the question I have presented a contradiction. I think all great philosophers that have spoken have created their own contradictions, when philosophers speak on how they have designed the world… there’s contradictions. God has created the world, and there are contradictions when we talk about the world… but the world exists. And because the world exists it’s not a contradiction. Hehheh… whirling you around in a circle yet? When the globe in your brain slows down just a little bit… tell me what you think. Imma pack up and ship myself back to my parent’s house.