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3.05.2007

But this is what I expect of myself…

“I think you’re really intelligent, but…"

“-you can’t prove it”

“don’t be so hard on your self”

“-I’m not impressed”

“you’re only a student”

“-you’re [a perceived mature age]”

“you’re just [a perceived young age]”

“-everything before ‘but’ means nothing.”

“no one expects you to be perfect”

[Above: Quotes that I have been given to me at one point or another…]

“To the pressure for success can put a good strain / On a friend you call best, and yet it could bring / Out the worst in every person; even the good—insane.” [(Nas), Jay-Z – Black Republican] Following the format of quotes, I’m beginning this blog with three lines of lyric from Jay-Z—with the hope that somewhere there is something, although truthfully I’m not sure what I’m not looking for… just the answer.

That beginning-of-a-sentence, the one at the very top of the page, is just about the most disappointing sentence that could possibly be spoken. I hope no one ever has it said to them, because they have the power to stop a person dead in their tracks. For me, I attach faces saying those words. I close my eyes and the memory wakes me, pushing me forward.

It’s true:
I know I would’ve… but I
I know I could’ve… but I
I know I should’ve… but I

“Remember, nothing before ‘but’ means anything…”

I know what it is… and I know what it isn’t. That’s what it has been, up to this point. I’m sick of being disappointed; more so, I’m sick of being disappointed with myself. And I don’t know how to change. It’s true, “pressure is not your friend,” but how do we make it go away? Is there a way of adjusting the perception so pressure is motivation? What is there to do when every where we turn, we are reminded on what we could’ve achieved but didn’t? [My mind is a prison… Am I the only one feeling this?]

There’s this phenomenon called the “Sophomore Slump,” it refers to an artist(s) high-anticipated second album falling short of the first. Does anyone have an answer to why this happens? Is it the pressure from the label on the artist? Or is it the pressure within? I’m trying not to feel so alone? But with success amongst my peers, what else am I suppose to feel? I don’t even feel like I’m doing the best I can, a part of me knows I can do better. I can be better, but how (and when)?

***

“Hov, how you get so fly” / I said from not being afraid to fall out the sky” [Jay-Z, (Chris Martin) – Beach Chair]
It would take me days to fully analyze and speak on this song… every verse has more depth than any ocean... but maybe that's the answer I've been waiting for

1 comment:

Tainted Dragon said...

If you talk, you better walk
You better back your shit up
With more than good hooks
While you're all under the gun

- Panic! At The Disco
"London Beckoned For Songs About Money Written By Machines"