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Halloween, just costumes and candy?

Hey everyone… how is everyone doin’? I hope no one has anything to complain about.

Chen Li in her response reminds me of a very valid point, if there is anything that I talk about (I understand people don’t read the same material) and ya don’t understand… please let me know (or you can do some research of your own… 10,000 pages of information at your fingertips). You’ve found my page… I’m sure there are more pages to find.

Allhollows Eve… the day before All Saints’ Day, today is/was devoted to young pranksters. Well that’s what it was… now it’s just Halloween. As I grow older the fun of Halloween begins to fade… and I haven’t been dressing up like I used to do when I was younger and do that whole trick or treatin’ thing. Today, well more like Friday I found the inspiration to be someone that I am not. Then when I was deciding who I was dressing up to be, I realized that today is really the only day where it is acceptable to blatantly acceptable to put a mask on your face and have everyone accept it as your face. I know some(/most?) people put a “mask” on everyday, but today it’s different because it is more prominent. It just stands out more, today we’re allowed to “doing something crazy” and “be someone we’re not” (or that we wish to be). So I wonder, when we put these “costumes” on, are we really just showing our true nature or rather “what we want to be”? People dress up in comic book characters or as characters from movies, vampires, witches, and many various other forms. Some dress up as playboy bunnies and others dress up as cows. I think some people that choose their own costume (not influenced by a group or friend); tend to choose costumes that are merely a reflection of themselves. When I was younger, I chose a Vampire at one point, then I chose Jason, and various other “villains;” I believe I chose believe that I would’ve been, if I wasn’t bound to the limits of society. It’d be that hunter in the night, feared by many and always alone. Now I’m older and what have I chosen to be today, I chose Seraph from Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions. I chose the guardian of The Oracle and protector of Sati. When I analyze it down, Seraph, mythically a 6 winged being that has surpassed the rank of angels, makes a lot of sense that I would choose him. Taken in the context of the movie, he is the warrior [that has clashed with Agent Smith on the battlefield before, and defeated him then but loses the battle when Smith is multiplied] that is evenly matched with the One, once worked for the Merovingian and now simply the guardian of the Oracle (the individual that brings unbalance to the system, tips the scale to humans against her counterpart the Architect) and Sati (the individual that is daughter that has no purpose because she is made of love between her two parents, her father who recycles the dead human pods to feed the new human pods and her mother creator of the interactive programs such as the Merovingian, the Oracle, and the Agents. Her parents are machines that cannot exist without human beings. Sati may be the real glue and prim example of their love for both worlds Human and Machine ::side note:: it appears she is able to manipulate the weather as well judging by the rain that begins to fall after she is absorbed by Smith and the beautiful sky portrait she paints for Neo). Now after all that, I sit back and kinda think… is that really me? Seraph once worked for the Merovingian and well the part of my name Tainted would be the acceptance of that premise. Guardian of the “one that is willing to shake things up”… yeah, that sounds like me. Protector of the “love and unison of two worlds’ humans and [technology]”… I think I try to keep get the humans to be “stronger” through the use of technology. I've fought with the units of control (the Agents) on various “battlefields.” And for the last question… probably the toughest and controversial question… am I as evenly matched with the One? That question I don’t believe I’m going to answer, I don’t think there’s any real way to answer it… Time will tell. Until Time opens that storybook, I am in “costume” as Seraph.


"This is me pretending, this is all I need."

Post II Tonight… This is prolly gonna bring me down from my Sox Win High, but this is something I need to get off my chest somewhere… somehow… what better place then here and what better Time than now.

As the cold reaches this part of the country and I am forced to light the pilot and fire up the heater… and although the autumn is beautiful, the trees turn that ignited red orange… I only dream of my favorite time of the year. Nothing makes me smile like December, Not because of the American holiday of Christmas, not because of my birthday, not because of the approach of a new year… it’s the snow that does it for me. The earlier it snows, the earlier I smile. Many complain about the cold… I don’t care… I can layer as much clothing as I want on… I got piles on already cuz I wanna run out and be able to layer off and find dry clothing underneath it all when the top layer gets all wet. I don’t really worry about shoveling it… it’s whatever… Bill Gates has a heated driveway, get that… enjoy the snow… it’s beautiful. Linkin Park “My December” comes to mind when I think about the winter. It’s a great song… if a gun was held to my head and I had to decide on a favorite song… I’d have to go with “My December.” It’s the piano [I know how to play it now] “this is my time of the year.” The song is so complex and layered... sounds like someone you know *hint hint* the song conveys so much of my life, and it’s so universal that when someone is asked why they love it… there’s a story behind the reason. There's just gotta be a story, [I hope people listen to lyrics still] My story? When I hear it… it sounds like I can pre-cog the beginning of the end of my life. And I know that sounds sad and bad… but I believe in that instance I will learn to forgive myself for my own mistakes, it’s like the beginning to forgiveness. And forgiveness is always a good things. As for how it pertains now… It’s a place of my own design, a place inside my head, a place of my own creation, where I can picture everything that is described. The all white fields and snow covered rocks and trees. Not a vehicle, or even, person in sight, just the snow and a home of my own design. Relating back to the earlier post, I just hope there’s enough Time to find this place and complete it before the universal fate of all men catches up with me...

The Impenetrable Fabric

Hey… sorry I haven’t been posting’… I’ll make it up… Imma post twice tonight… y’all just watch me. So ~> let’s get this started, right to the topic.

Topic today is the most important thing in life. Any guesses? Money? Love? Sex? Family? Friends? All those guesses are wrong… this most important thing in life is consistent. Any guesses? In a world where very little is guaranteed, I have realized something that is the same in every single instance. The magic answer I was looking for is…


Time is the most valuable thing in this life. All those guesses come and go in life… life even comes and goes. But time, is the single most idea that many attempt to beat and yet it is still undefeated. Under my research, I have discovered that not a single person has found a way to beat time… I believe Einstein was the closest… but his success (?) was never documented [The Philadelphia Experiment]. Money comes and goes, some believe it runs the world, even without time, money fails to exist. Love remains at the mercy of Time… Time can change Love… Love cannot change Time. Although sometimes, in love, a person feels like Time does not exist… when the person comes out of this dream state… Time is the hardest thing to realize. This leads me to believe that the only true thing that should linger on my mind is the question of Time. Do I have enough Time to do this? Do I have enough Time to do that? I believe I cannot beat the clock, I can only understand that seconds are seconds and minutes are minutes and I have to play by their rules. The game is very simple, the rules are consistent and there aren’t any loopholes. Now the amount of Time left in your life, cannot be told to you [or can it?] and since that is not known… it appears like Time doesn’t play fair… but perhaps we just don’t know all the rules. [Stemming from and earlier post] I believe we all have a set amount of Time on this level of existence, I don’t know how much Time I have… I don’t think anyone really does… and because I don’t fully know all the rules of the game, it may seem the game is uneasily stacked against me… but if you think about it… [I believe] we always complete what we were meant to do… then Time is over, somehow we both win (Time and the Individual). I would suggest that we don’t race the clock… but embrace the clock. Plan. How much Time do you need to do that? Understand that you will win either way. If you play by the rules (of Time), you’re more than likely to have more fun and do more of what you want.


As the world sleeps... there's a light bulb on in Chicago.

Damn… I shouldn’t have done that… well y’all know that I haven’t been sleeping because my project was due [yesterday]… so I’ve been staying up and working on it… after class I came home and was going to watch a couple movies [yeah… that’s right… a couple meaning more than one] but I was kinda tired… so I figured I’d nap. That was a bad idea… and as I was doing it... as I was laying down… I was thinking this is a bad idea. Yeah… its 3:30 in the morning and Carl’s sleeping pattern is not completely f*cked up. But there’s an upside, I’m here… with you… well technically I’m not… but it feels like I am? Anyways…

So the review was today… and I must say it was clearly lopsided. The jurors really only liked that loud and obnoxious ones (masks… that is). There were roughly two people that thoroughly enjoyed the small and detailed ones… but most of the detailed ones got no love. I also only presented 2/3’s of my mask… I didn’t have enough time to put on the entire thing, I didn’t know we’d only have less than 4 mins to strap up the mask… mine is the only one of that design… completely adjustable… so as I moved it to different people I’d have to account for that. Now, what I could’ve done was, I could’ve had it so it was already pre-fitted… but I was forced to work on it. So based on those two factors… I didn’t get very much love on presentation day… it’s okay it just makes my decision to not work for a big firm a little bit clearer. I said something to my partner (for the mask project) during the presentation… something along the lines of “if you look at all the things SOM (Skidmore, Owings, and Merrill) complete… all they make are loud big things… they never get any attention for small projects.” And I think it’s rather true… SOM only really gets attention for the Sears Tower, John Hancock, Durj Al Arab, et cetera. And yeah it would be cool to be on those projects… but for the rest of my career… I dunno. So part of me wants the big firms to be beggin’ for me… but the other half wants to do small projects and do passion pieces. As it would seem… I’d prolly be doing both… which would be kinda cool. Hehheh… imagined me signed at two firms… Ooo now there’s an idea. Signed to a big firm… but own my own firm… only drawback it would be spreading me out… and unable to focus… knocking out an 80 hour week. That would be pretty rough… but still appealing. I wonder how many of my fellow architecture students would honestly find that appealing… seriously some kids just shouldn’t be here. That especially should out when the jurors asked “so what was your concept with this… why did you do that” and we heard answers like “I thought it looked cool / it was found by mistake / it was suggested by someone else” ::shakes his head:: get the f*ck outta architecture… please… wasting my professors time. I think there are far too many graduates in our Architecture school… and granted only about 20-30 pass the Architecture License Test… I just wish it wasn’t a business (school, that is). I think the amount of graduates should be equal to the amount of professors in the program. Example: there was 6 in first year, there’s 6(?) second year… so at least 12 graduates plus the amount of professors for the next two years. And some professors do more than one year, Douglas Garofalo (this guy’s like one of Architecture’s Top Architects [the next big thing]. He gotta be a machine... seriously… owns his own firm... and teaches 2 grads and I think 3 undergrads… not to mention administration stuff.) So with that in account the total would be slightly move down. So roughly under 30 graduates… which is about equal to the amount of students that are accepted into a grad school anyway (less than 20 at UIC and partially taught by Douglas Garofalo). So my goal is to cut down my class size. I don’t want to be part of a graduating class of 70. I think that would be an incorrect representation of actual Architects… but that’s prolly suppose to help out how the graduates look. But back to the proposed idea… this would ensure that the professors’ time isn’t spread out and wasted on someone that isn’t going to develop into an architect. It would also force the industry to keep pushing the bar in all areas of development… if all the schools only allowed a 1:1 ratio of students then that core of students really belong in the industry and are innovative, (overly) creative, and always the crème of the crop. It would also help the number of Architects never to over inflate. I can see how graduate school already does that… but the amount of bachelor degrees in Architecture still should be cut down. If I get very high administratively involved in Architecture School… definitely going to pinch that idea over the water cooler… maybe a little bit more formal than that.

Man… I wish I could post for often… but I really only post when I got something to say… or something is on my mind… hehheh… Sean Paul’s “Never Gonna Be The Same” just came on. [pausing for a moment of silence]. Alright, I’m back… I would post more… if I my body didn’t demand sleep for me to be completely functional. I’ll work on dat, make a consensus effort, I promise [so you know it’s true]. But right now…y’all… Imma go watch a movie (or a couple of movies) or something… till class at 10. First up, the Interpreter… then some Unleashed… then some Batman… order subject to change. Out.

ps. did you figure out the title means? Light bulb as in idea in the mind... c'mon y'all... pick up the slack.


Running on empty...

Hey everyone... how's everyone doing out there? Good, I hope... "in the midst of all this... for you to say something like that" (The Longest Yard - Kevin Nash). So I've been up (for probably too long) doing my Architecture project... the mask. I'm just finishing up the drawings for the presentation tomorrow. I think it'll go over pretty well... I haven't seen all the competition so I can't really make a judgment call on how much mine will stand out. We’ll see in a couple of hours… Anyways… you faithful readers know about the last post… and you know… music never seems to fail me. Madd props to Sean Paul – Never Gonna Be The Same on the new CD. Imma quote this second verse (I would put the whole thing… but that’s just too much translating… cuz you know Sean Paul and his crazy accent...)

“For all the friends and families that done past on.
Leaving impressions and memories that will last on.
We give thanks for all the time that we know them.
Reminisce them legacy that is what we owe them.
Because they helped to make us who we are.
So let us never forget and talk it and far.
Less up Grandpa Lee and Aunt Chris – I can’t forget you if I try.”

I don’t know how much that last line applies to me… but I know that rest is right on the money. So in my playlist feral the entire project… the music that has been playing since Thursday… Sean Paul, Pitbull (lovin’ it... Hustler’s Withdrawal is really good as well), Mariah Carey, Twista, The Longest Yard soundtrack, ahhh… 50’s “Window Shopper” & “Outta Control [Remix]” w/ Mobb Deep & “Hustler’s Ambition”, hehheh… Chingy And J/Weav on “One Call Away”… Frankie J’s “How Do I Deal”… Kanye West’s … Tony Yayo’s… Trey Songz’s (these are all the new cds) so yeah… pretty big variety… Mariah Carey’s remixes are on there too… it’s a nice collaboration all in all… keeps me running on no sleep. Big ups to Mike Shinoda’s Fort Minor project almost done and set for a release… videos out… (just got a newsletter about it from LP Underground. Man… I love music… it’s a beautiful thing.

Oh… almost forgot about what I wanted to talk about… (geez that music) part of me has to think about the Sean Paul cd coming out when it did… coincidence? C’mon now… you know what I think about that. I don’t know what it all means… but I’m working on it. That’s just another thing about coincidence… I think it’s just lack of knowledge or shades over the eyes… just not able to see the whole picture. Alright y’all… time to get back to work… Batman Begins on DVD tomorrow! I’m staying up for that (damn that Best Buy & Circuit City having promos on the same DVD).



My bad for not posting up last night… I was way too tired for that. Anyways I’m here now, so everyone gather ‘round… Carl’s got something to say.

First off (in response to Steak’s Comment on my last post because it’s relevant here) “yeah... I can see it that way... I just seems when everyone lays down to rest (or even when they lay and look up at the ceiling) … they’re dissatisfied with the life they lived. They always seem like they want to do something that they didn’t. I guess me being so analytical, I can make a choice and then be completely satisfied with it… because I know why I made the choices I made. [Or make choices and understand why I made them] And if I made a mistake… I’m willing to accept my own apologizes for those mistakes. And not to sound too bold… but I think my expectations match my ambitions, and those are pretty high. So for me to be satisfied with my life, I’d have to meet my expectations. [Not having someone here in front of me… I can’t really tell if this is making any sense (that’s why I take a philosophy courses… to make things make sense)… eh… it makes sense to me.] Alright now… back to the topic that I wanted to talk about yesterday…

I took a course in Death and it was a good course. It was a philosophy course and its main focus was the phenomenon… why it happens? ….what happens? …what happens afterwards? Those were the questions that were raised (and never really answered because no one has actually given a first person account of it). I took the class, because I never really dealt with it before… seriously… I just didn’t know anyone close enough to feel the impact of their death. My grandmother passed away when I was way younger… so I can’t really bring the “memory” of what it meant to me. I think I’ve gone so far as to construct a scene in my mind that consists of a coffin, rain, and yellow roses… but I’m not so sure how accurate that really is. The class also brought cases of channeling and mediums, which raised many questions for me. Mediums and people that channel, they always have someone to bring forth to talk to the individual that’s looking for answers… I’ve always wondered who would come forth to speak to me… when I was “at the pearly gates, God let me in” [The Game, Tony Yayo – Runnin’]. I wanted to go see a medium or someone that channels and I couldn’t, not very popular in Chicago… I guess. I made the conclusion that, we are always watched and therefore must try to impress, but that raised the question… who do I have to impress? And I answered that with something that resembles “my angels are here on this plain… those are the individuals that I need to impress,” this idea keeps me striving for better… that and my belief in God. But not like Christians… more like Descartes. [Yes, I know Descartes was Christian; but he never spoke of Jesus (that’s my difficulty with Christianity) in his writings… just God]

Well… that book of knowledge is nothing compared to experience. I had to deal with Death last week. Two people, I knew, passed away. The first was a friend of mine… we weren’t like really-really tight, but I knew him well enough to shed a tear during his service. A couple of hours before his passing… we were at a party. And although I didn’t see him on a consistent basis… it was good to see him again (along with all the other faces that I missed seeing). When I left the party (Sunday [Early] Morning), I told him I’d see him again… figured it would be a while because I’m here at school… pretty much took it for granted. Little did I know… the next time I would see him… he would be in his casket. He passed away only a few hours after I left the party… something happened on his way home (not going to get into the details, it’s not the place for that). Not to over shadow my friend’s passing… my friend’s (different person) father passed away Monday morning. His father and I weren’t buddy-buddy, but he always asked how I was doing… and those things that adults say to students but it was different from when everyone else said it… he was always sincere… always wanted me to work hard… he will be missed. Both individuals were very young in age… it just doesn’t seem right to say something like that. I mean it’s really not nice to say something like if you’re eighty… you’re expendable… you can pass away then. But it was just unnatural for them to pass away at their ages… it just doesn’t fit right.

Death came to our circle of friends twice… I know that each one of us took it very differently. In our group, it was just a different bond for everyone… so obviously it’s going to be different for everyone. That leads to the question… what is the meaning of life. I believe it is to fulfill a purpose… ya really don’t even have to realize what the purpose is… I think it gets completed and then ya pass away. This answer solves that whole question about time… why we pass away when we do? But raises a bigger question… if we all have a purpose… what’s the point of the human race as a whole? Progress? What’s the point of progress when there isn’t going to be life forever? My Death professor made that comment to me… the more knowledge we attain, the more questions we have. I still stand by my idea that our purpose of life is to fulfill our purpose, whatever it may be. Whatever our purpose is… we (as a human race) will progress… what happens after that… I really haven’t thought about it… I’m sure I’ll get back on that subject sometime soon… hopefully… Well as it would seem… it’s late… and I’ve run out of things to say… but I know there was more… I know I’ll revisit this subject again… maybe progress will be made…


Everytime I look in the mirror... I'm reminded

There's so much stuff going on right now... but there was a certain thing on my mind, that I just need to comment on... like right now... while I'm in that funk. I know I haven't been posting up and all that jazzy stuff... and there's no excuse for that. I said I'd try to be here as often as possible and Architecture has got me up at the crack of dawn (ready to go to sleep) and waking up as soon as it's physically possible for my body to function correctly(?). But anyways... enough of my half-assed excuse... back to the material.

Now, I grabbed a blog and figured I'd be able to speak to the masses... say something that might change someone's point of view. Now a part of me wishes... I would've created something that didn't detail who I was. Something like a place where I could tell all my secrets and no one would ever find them... and if they did... couldn't link them back to me. I'd be able to detail out my mistakes and those lies that've told. Now that it's linked back to me.. and people know who I am... I'm afraid of saying something that might offend someone while I attempted to clear the same subject for someone else. I don't know if that sounded clear... but I hope that you get the gist. So what do I do... Hehheh... that's why I have a separate sketchbook for those kinda things... (no, you can't see it) Y'all out there in cyber space... prolly already get me... simple yet so complex (The Hanged Man, right?) Same as everyone else... I've made mistakes and the more I think about my mistakes... the more I hate them as well as hate the fact that I may make another one. It's probably attributed to the reason why I am so analytical now, afraid to make another mistake. There was a particular time... when I made a mistake and I regret my mistake... (if you're looking for it, I'm not going to say it... I've already admitted it somewhere else [psst: sketchbook]) There have been many situations that I would've handled differently but I didn't... and those mistakes haunt me. There's never really a chance to patch over the a mistake... just like when you punch a hole in the wall and then cover it up with dry wall paste, there's still that hole in the dry wall and that dry wall is no longer one piece as it was before. "When the paper is crumbled up... it can't be perfect again" [Linkin Park - Forgotten], but that's not the song I'm listening to right now... the song playing right now is "How Do I Deal" by Frankie J. For those that think they know the situation I'm referring to... think again [or ask?] there's a hint here... somewhere... it has to deal with the choice that I've made and the question I avoided... (the martial status one) One of these nights... I will comment on that... when I can figure out a way to comment without offending anyone. It'll get detailed out, as close as possible. Now how does all this relate... damn.... that's for tonight but here's something brief... this past week... two people I knew passed away, and before that... I commented on my cousin's blog [] and I said something along the lines of "I only hope that when it is my time to pass, I die with a smile upon my face - satisfied with the life I lived and able to accept my own apologizes." [coincidence? I dunno, who would've thunk it. He'd be commenting on the death of a friend and just around the corner I'd lose someone I knew] I think that hits, what I'm trying to say, right on the head. When it's all over, I only hope to be completely satisfied with the life I lived... furthermore able to accept my own apologizes (for the mistakes that I've made). Hopefully... there's a time in which I can forgive myself for the mistakes I made... but until that time comes... I'm still hating the fact that I'm human... having to look at myself in the mirror... learning to deal with who I am (wouldn't it be great to never make a mistake...).


The Hanged Man

Hey everyone, out there, in the land of the lost....
hehheh... anyway, moving on. Sorry I haven't been posting so much, y'all prolly don't want to hear my excuses so I won't give them. Here's an update on the projects, the font hasn't moved much, conceptually the mask is almost done, and the custom stamp shaping is done... I just gotta try it, and then adjust whatever I need to adjust. But that's not what I wanted to talk about, so ~> moving on.

I'm sitting here thinking about various "coincidences" in my life, and I know why I chose my lucky number of 12. Then I thought about its overall significance in various different realms of the world, starting looking a few things up... and you know what I found. I was talking to an old friend of mine and we got into a conversation about tarot cards... so I was like "huh? What’s the 12th card?" and I never looked it up, then I was making my way back from my weekly trip to Best Buy and saw a book entitled The Twelfth Card. On the cover was a man hanging upside down, bound by his feet "then I was like alright now I gotta look this up." The twelfth tarot card is The Hanged Man. I can see now a lot of people would see this as a negative thing and turn away, but y'all should know by now I never turn down knowledge. I read a few pages on the internet and stumble across meaning for The Hanged Man, and what to think when it shows up. I took a look at many different websites and I stumbled across this web page ( that's pretty comprehensive. I think I could be The Hanged Man, just seems to fit me quite well. When reading Tarot Cards there's actions, and opposing actions, and reinforcing actions. Well when this card shows up in certain places it gives a number of different things: (quoted from the website I gave out earlier)
letting go
having an emotional release
accepting what is
surrendering to experience
ending the struggle
being vulnerable and open
giving up control
accepting God's will
turning the world around
changing your mind
overturning old priorities
seeing from a new angle
upending the old order
doing an about-face
suspending action
pausing to reflect
feeling outside of time
taking time to just begiving up urgency
living in the momentwaiting for the best opportunity
being a martyr
renouncing a claim
putting self-interest aside
going one step back to go two steps forward
giving up for a higher cause
putting others first

all this is very "coincidental," but it seems like I follow this pretty closely. Some highlights that I see are... wow where do I begin... it's like all of them reflect me. As I see it, while I'm getting comfortable with my own skin I'm falling into what I'm suppose to become. I never listened to the birthday symbols and yearly animals, but even those are reflecting my personality. [More on that later.] But this Tarot Card thing is got me going. The twelfth card pretty much describes me, in all situations how I react is somewhere on that list. This description at the bottom seems like it would be telling a story or pathway that'd logically walk:

[The Hanged Man is one of the most mysterious cards in the tarot deck. It is simple, but complex. It attracts, but also disturbs. It contradicts itself in countless ways. The Hanged Man is unsettling because it symbolizes the action of paradox in our lives. A paradox is something that appears contradictory, and yet is true. The Hanged Man presents to us certain truths, but they are hidden in their opposites.

The main lesson of the Hanged Man is that we "control" by letting go - we "win" by surrendering. The figure on Card 12 has made the ultimate surrender - to die on the cross of his own travails - yet he shines with the glory of divine understanding. He has sacrificed himself, but he emerges the victor. The Hanged Man also tells us that we can "move forward" by standing still. By suspending time, we can have all the time in the world.

In readings, the Hanged Man reminds us that the best approach to a problem is not always the most obvious. When we most want to force our will on someone, which is when we should release. When we most want to have our own way, which is when we should sacrifice. When we most want to act, that is when we should wait. The irony is that by making these contradictory moves, we find what we are looking for.]

Hehheh... I just pretty much gave you to whole page... but eh... as long as I quoted it. Anyway, the twelfth card is just a reminder of who I'm possibly becoming or what has already been happening, it's crazy. And there's just no way [for me anyway] that this is a coincidence, it just can't be that way. I'd say think about your favorite number and see its significance in other realms, you might find something along the same lines as I did. Anyways, I gotta go to my parent's house early tomorrow... so I bid thee good night. Until next time... Out.