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Everytime I look in the mirror... I'm reminded

There's so much stuff going on right now... but there was a certain thing on my mind, that I just need to comment on... like right now... while I'm in that funk. I know I haven't been posting up and all that jazzy stuff... and there's no excuse for that. I said I'd try to be here as often as possible and Architecture has got me up at the crack of dawn (ready to go to sleep) and waking up as soon as it's physically possible for my body to function correctly(?). But anyways... enough of my half-assed excuse... back to the material.

Now, I grabbed a blog and figured I'd be able to speak to the masses... say something that might change someone's point of view. Now a part of me wishes... I would've created something that didn't detail who I was. Something like a place where I could tell all my secrets and no one would ever find them... and if they did... couldn't link them back to me. I'd be able to detail out my mistakes and those lies that've told. Now that it's linked back to me.. and people know who I am... I'm afraid of saying something that might offend someone while I attempted to clear the same subject for someone else. I don't know if that sounded clear... but I hope that you get the gist. So what do I do... Hehheh... that's why I have a separate sketchbook for those kinda things... (no, you can't see it) Y'all out there in cyber space... prolly already get me... simple yet so complex (The Hanged Man, right?) Same as everyone else... I've made mistakes and the more I think about my mistakes... the more I hate them as well as hate the fact that I may make another one. It's probably attributed to the reason why I am so analytical now, afraid to make another mistake. There was a particular time... when I made a mistake and I regret my mistake... (if you're looking for it, I'm not going to say it... I've already admitted it somewhere else [psst: sketchbook]) There have been many situations that I would've handled differently but I didn't... and those mistakes haunt me. There's never really a chance to patch over the a mistake... just like when you punch a hole in the wall and then cover it up with dry wall paste, there's still that hole in the dry wall and that dry wall is no longer one piece as it was before. "When the paper is crumbled up... it can't be perfect again" [Linkin Park - Forgotten], but that's not the song I'm listening to right now... the song playing right now is "How Do I Deal" by Frankie J. For those that think they know the situation I'm referring to... think again [or ask?] there's a hint here... somewhere... it has to deal with the choice that I've made and the question I avoided... (the martial status one) One of these nights... I will comment on that... when I can figure out a way to comment without offending anyone. It'll get detailed out, as close as possible. Now how does all this relate... damn.... that's for tonight but here's something brief... this past week... two people I knew passed away, and before that... I commented on my cousin's blog [] and I said something along the lines of "I only hope that when it is my time to pass, I die with a smile upon my face - satisfied with the life I lived and able to accept my own apologizes." [coincidence? I dunno, who would've thunk it. He'd be commenting on the death of a friend and just around the corner I'd lose someone I knew] I think that hits, what I'm trying to say, right on the head. When it's all over, I only hope to be completely satisfied with the life I lived... furthermore able to accept my own apologizes (for the mistakes that I've made). Hopefully... there's a time in which I can forgive myself for the mistakes I made... but until that time comes... I'm still hating the fact that I'm human... having to look at myself in the mirror... learning to deal with who I am (wouldn't it be great to never make a mistake...).

1 comment:

steakified said...

hey mang,
your goal of being satisfied of who you are when you die is something everyone wants. No one wants to die wishing they could have done more. You make decisions in your life that become one of two things: coulda-shoulda-wouldas, and forgotten, you only really remember the bad decisions you've made, imagine if you remembered every decision you made? you'd second guess everything in your life because you didn't want to make a mistake again. I think the biggest thing about being satisifed (this comes back to one of your first posts about being your hardest critic) is being ok with making mistakes. 2 types of people, ones who dwell and ones who move on, just a matter of what you see.

thanks for reading my post carl, music brings me back to places in time, some not as good as others...