But this is what I expect of myself…

“I think you’re really intelligent, but…"

“-you can’t prove it”

“don’t be so hard on your self”

“-I’m not impressed”

“you’re only a student”

“-you’re [a perceived mature age]”

“you’re just [a perceived young age]”

“-everything before ‘but’ means nothing.”

“no one expects you to be perfect”

[Above: Quotes that I have been given to me at one point or another…]

“To the pressure for success can put a good strain / On a friend you call best, and yet it could bring / Out the worst in every person; even the good—insane.” [(Nas), Jay-Z – Black Republican] Following the format of quotes, I’m beginning this blog with three lines of lyric from Jay-Z—with the hope that somewhere there is something, although truthfully I’m not sure what I’m not looking for… just the answer.

That beginning-of-a-sentence, the one at the very top of the page, is just about the most disappointing sentence that could possibly be spoken. I hope no one ever has it said to them, because they have the power to stop a person dead in their tracks. For me, I attach faces saying those words. I close my eyes and the memory wakes me, pushing me forward.

It’s true:
I know I would’ve… but I
I know I could’ve… but I
I know I should’ve… but I

“Remember, nothing before ‘but’ means anything…”

I know what it is… and I know what it isn’t. That’s what it has been, up to this point. I’m sick of being disappointed; more so, I’m sick of being disappointed with myself. And I don’t know how to change. It’s true, “pressure is not your friend,” but how do we make it go away? Is there a way of adjusting the perception so pressure is motivation? What is there to do when every where we turn, we are reminded on what we could’ve achieved but didn’t? [My mind is a prison… Am I the only one feeling this?]

There’s this phenomenon called the “Sophomore Slump,” it refers to an artist(s) high-anticipated second album falling short of the first. Does anyone have an answer to why this happens? Is it the pressure from the label on the artist? Or is it the pressure within? I’m trying not to feel so alone? But with success amongst my peers, what else am I suppose to feel? I don’t even feel like I’m doing the best I can, a part of me knows I can do better. I can be better, but how (and when)?

***

“Hov, how you get so fly” / I said from not being afraid to fall out the sky” [Jay-Z, (Chris Martin) – Beach Chair]
It would take me days to fully analyze and speak on this song… every verse has more depth than any ocean... but maybe that's the answer I've been waiting for

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Funny thing about perspective… it comes from the strangest places.

I wrote something last week and I spoke about knowing the full story before you speak… I find myself in discussions that I know little about. I suppose I didn’t really understand what I was saying until I took a look at myself, maybe a little detail and some residual self-image.

Maybe it’s just what is expected of me or the way I carry myself, but my opinion is expected to be voiced at any and all times. In some particular topics, I don’t have one. I’m sorry… I’m trying, but I may not up-to-date or whatever it may be. I suppose it’s a fault of being human, probably something that is nearing the status of hatred in my book, but sometimes I don’t have an opinion. But now, here’s the killer…

I voice anyway…

sucks…

doesn’t it?

Now, you’re probably thinking, “just don’t, and it’ll be fine.” Oh, but I have to keep this up. When a teacher asks you a question, is the appropriate answer “I don’t know?” Have you ever really tried it? I never have, but quite frankly, all they want you to do is at least try. Now, I’m not saying what they want you should do, but c’mon… you’d try right? So when your peers ask your opinion and all eyes on you here, would you be satisfied with “I don’t know?” After some long speech about how much your significant other loves you and they count the ways, what would you do? “Yeah, I love you too”… hmmm… I don’t think that’s gonna be enough. Maybe that’s just me here, but I suppose one should respond something with a bit more substance… but maybe that’s just me.

I know a couple of little fishes that don’t have a problem with not saying anything. They’re just swimming along and taking it all in, no doubt keeping it in their bottomless pit of knowledge and experience. I suppose some would describe them as passive, but it’s what they don’t say, that’s what people should be worried about. [Maybe I’m not wrong in speaking when it’s needed, and they’re guilty of saying nothing when something needs to be said.] Its okay, their slightly prone to exaggeration, if that doesn’t balance it out some. I think this admiration that I’m detailing is with a dash of jealousy. If I could be more internal, it would keep me out of many difficult situations. I suppose it’s my wicked tongue that gets me into trouble. This hunter should learn to shoulder his firearm… or grab a big net and go on a little trip. No… but seriously, every now and again, I have to pocket my blade and leave it holstered.

It’s bad to toast with water, and alcohol doesn’t do too well for you anyways, but cheers…

to speaking when it’s appropriate.

You don't know the half of it

Time has moved on… the rest of life has continued to pass us by. And I’ve said it before but to reiterate, the past is what makes us who we are.

So often has something happened and I’ve expect its face value as fact. Long ago, I watched movies, or listen to music, and figured it was all the art of an individual. Then looking at it once again, thought there could possibly be a bit of truth; maybe not so much suspicion but perspective. Possibly, the story told before my eyes is not fake, and is fact known only to a few individuals; and maybe something that comes off as entertaining to some, is reality to others.

My daily proceedings take me through a number of different individuals and their stories. Through these discussions, I blindly (with good reason) assume the entire story has been told. How can anyone expect an honest comment without giving honesty to begin with? Or so I would like to believe… But this is not always the case. There are a number of different reasons why people exaggerate things and I don’t have the capacity to list them all. I, myself, exaggerate for entertainment value. My story is more entertaining when exaggerated, “it’s for theatrical effect”—simply put. Sometimes my audience doesn’t have a necessary need to commit my story to memory, so what do the details really matter. There are some instances where entertainment is what everyone around you is expecting, so stand and deliver. But I suppose there’s an opposite of exaggeration.

The jist of it, or so the story goes, is all the audience wants to know. Those that skip to the end of a novel or read the cliff notes, are merely looking for the skinny. But, I’d argue what is told between two people is the slim version of most stories. I don’t think exact emotions or thoughts are actually discussed in these conversations, I suppose their meant to come out during the telling of the story. But isn’t that why we tell the exaggerated version… to make it more theatrical?

I believe what makes a movie good, as apposed to a personal story, is the fact that things happen in real-time and all emotions are conveyed. The dramatic effect that the audience feels happens at the same moment the character on screen is experiencing it. “I guess you had to be there,” applies more than ever. When someone tells a story, and the audience doesn’t respond, there’s a sense of emotion not being conveyed. Before the audience echoes of nothingness… well… I’d take a second thought because maybe…

Any Given Sunday

I’m not gonna lie, I’m feeling disappointed tonight. Born in Chicago, raised in a city that only knows Chicago for sports… today was a big game for our football division. I’ve seen six championships in basketball, celebrated a World Series pendant… but I really wanted this Vince Lombardi. In January of 1986, the Chicago Bears won the world championship in a domination of the league that I can’t remember. These Bears were a splitting imagine of those 85 ones. Everything seemed like it was going good, like this year was going to be the one. I’ve been holding off on this blog because if I released it earlier, it may have come off as spitting on Patriots. For the readers that aren’t into sports, look past the bright lights and see the underlying message. From the game of football, there are many lessons to be learned.

For Sean Payton, as much as I believe the Buccaneers will always be the best in the NFC South, you’ve given the gift of Faith to those Saints’ fans. For Reggie Bush, as much as that taunting is unnecessary, you are everything that hype said you would be. For Brian Urlacher, as much as you’re disappointed at this moment, this city commends your strength and devotion to this team… you’ll get your day. For Peyton Manning, as much as I’ve been upset with you, real players show up on Sunday.

In retrospect, we were outplayed today. It’s not something we did specifically wrong, we were beaten… we didn’t beat ourselves. Yeah sure, those turnovers I’d like to have back, but the Colts had just as many. If you want to blame it on Rex, sure you can, but maybe it was the Bob Sanders that picked that one out of the air… or Kelvin Hayden, who dreamt about it last night, and gets his time to shine. If you want to blame it on the rain, remember that they played on the same field.

Adversity is defined by the trials we go through and result at the end of the game. When its clutch, the real players (and fans, for that matter) show up. Sometimes I find myself asking if I have the strength to see my dreams through. Not many people know this, and I still am a bit hesitant to say it, but I was named after Carl Lewis… the four time gold medalist in the 1984 Olympics. A champion in his own right… I feel the pressure to perform every time my name is called. I find myself asking “Can I run this race?”

***

On the flipside of this season is another lesson. Tom Brady is a champion, that’s a fact, but against the Colts—he threw a pick to end his team’s season. Earlier in the year, the Bears beat the Cardinals on a Monday night finale that rewrote the history books… tonight; the Bears fell in a deficit they could not overcome. You can’t always pull it out in the end; I’ve learned this the hard way… (And no, not by watching football)

At the end of it all, there are always two things about football I love. One, real players show up when their number is called. Two, pulling it out at the end is a last resort (“Hail Mary’s” have the lowest percentage of completion in any coach’s playbook.)

Moment of Clarity

This isn’t an introduction from me; it’s not needed because I am who I am. Although, I believe an apology is in order. I’m sorry for not speaking what was in my head so that others my hear it. I apologize for that possible bit of knowledge that may have helped you and wasn’t there when you searched here because you may have thought I would’ve provided it; I will not try, but I will do better next time. I appreciate those that have read what I have written thus far and hope I will gain more audience as the time line is written.

Since my last post I have been searching, simply searching for the answers I may not be ready to handle. During rehabilitation, alcoholics experience a phenomenon referred to as a “moment of clarity.” A moment in which they see the picture in it’s entirely. The truth, and the grand scheme of all things. It is usually the realization of something that affects all aspects of their life, it usually causes them to change their ways and straighten their wavy path. They gain a sense of clarity and thank those that have given them so much. Some credit this to family, others to their friends, and some to God.

From the last posts, a series of events have happened. Those of which, the outcome [which is most important] is displayed here. Some say it is only the journey that matters, but I’d argue it is the journey of life that matters. How is this different? I solemnly believe life can be seen as one whole journey with one end, but also can be seen as many series of events with many conclusions to journeys and an ultimate end. Since the last time we met, I've reached the end of a series. A semester was completed, a year had ended, a birthday had passed, along with countless other things and what have I learned?

Every now and again, one must look from the outside of one’s self to see the whole picture.

Riding through life behind the steering wheel, one can only concentrate on what is in front. Seeing the world from a different perspective can result in a clearer understanding of surroundings. There are pilots and there are passengers, the world is different depending on view from one’s seat.

Now what if you were neither of those; perhaps a third party, the observer, so to speak. What is the view like then? I believe there is much benefit from this perspective. I am allowed to see myself, the people around me, and my environment and from that choose what I believe is the best path or way to proceed. If you agree, then the ultimate question is… how does one generate this view?

What are the questions that needed to be asked? What is the cognitive thought-process that needs to happen? How do we synthetically generate a moment in which we are able to see the truth and how it fits with the whole picture? Is it possible to make a moment of clarity? And if so, how?

Sometimes the answer isn’t where you’d expect it to be, it may not even been where you hoped it would be… sometimes you’ve known the answer all along, but it took something from outside to point it out to you.