I don’t know what it is with Music; songs, beats, lyrics… from classical to hip-hop to rock to techno & dance; all of it. The more I hear it, the more I beg for it. When I hear music, it flows through me… in its entirety. Sometimes (just sometimes), I think musicians are the only individuals that can reach me. The only people that can talk to me and have me understand everything so clearly. [And I know this isn’t true, I understand the people around me. As you already read, I believe I’m a pretty understanding.] There’s this presence with music, whatever needs to be said is captured in this 3-5 min spam of time full of energy, rhythm and emotion. I know not everyone feels like this, or embraces it quite like I do; and maybe this is just a pitch to open some minds and see something in a new light, but wow… I. Love. Music.
If you think about it… there’s just about a song to fit every mood and moment. There’s not a time where there isn’t music playing in my room. I just gotta have it on. It’s my alarm clock in the morning [from my computer, not my radio]. It helps me work on my projects, and it helps me not to destroy my own mind. Just to know that some one else has been there before, it’s more productive than thinking I’m the only one that feels this emotion. As you can probably tell, music has saved me on more than one occasion. The great thing about music, is it affects almost everyone in a different manner. Some with have the same feeling toward it… but never is it exactly the same.
Let’s say for example… there’s this guy and he hears Track 13 on a CD, and he thinks of a girl. And for him… it plays and plays, even when the music isn’t on. And all the time, he’s wishing the lyrics are talking about him or referencing him in some way or another. But on the other end of the world, the girl is hearing the song and thinking about someone else. She’s dying to say the words to her secret. Her and the guy that wants her, they’re at about the same passion level, but they’re miles away from each other. Same song, same feelings, different effects. At the same instance, Track 10 on the same CD is bringing two people together.
That’s the power of a CD… and that’s the power of a song. That’s the power of Music.
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3.27.2006
3.25.2006
Dreams
What is it about dreams that keep us lying in bed just a little longer. We all know once we open our eyes, the dreams never return. Maybe it’s the hope of returning to a place where everything seems like it should be… maybe it’s just an escape for our reality. These coded messages that occur when my eyes shut… there’s something about them…
When I was younger, I’d dream… they were about places afar, girls, and gifts. The images would be compiled mixes of things I've already seen and augmented in whatever way seemed fit for my mind. I used to dream of places where things weren’t “normal” or what I was used to. Places where skies weren’t blue and grass wasn’t green. And those dreams still come, but I never try to remember them. I used to dream of gifts, things given to me that would, as a child, make my life better. Maybe a telescope or a new computer… those dreams I just keep stored until I have the bank account to support them. Since I’m so into comics naturally, I’d have gifts there weren’t human… and I've since realized they were merely because of the images I've seen and that I am human… flawed in every way that makes me, me. And yes, dreams of girls… being in a relationship, trips to various places around the world, and of course nocturnal happenings. Although they were never nightmares, they still haunted me then.
Then there was a time where I couldn’t remember a dream at all. Maybe about a year went by where I couldn’t remember a dream once I woke up, I couldn’t even remember having one. At the time, I didn’t think too much of it. It was simply something that didn’t happen. I felt I was content with my life and I never needed to escape it. I lived by the quote “I don’t sleep to dream, I sleep to build stamina,” [Mike Shinoda on a DJ Vice Freestyle]. I don’t remember the day, but my dreams have returned. And it has lead to the question of “Why do we dream?”
As always, I won’t say any names but you can probably tell by my recent posts… and again I’m left with the request that these dreams leave me or that I find something about them… another reason for there presence. And this might be a singular thing that only pertains to me… but dreams have always had something to be read in them. For me, they have to take place somewhere. Most of the time, it’s in a building structure of some kind. Because of this, I have accepted the function of dreaming. And from that, let me make use of them… free and unrestricted imagination. Let me take these dreams and install them into reality. Now that I think about the quote… if I longer can be imaginative while I’m awake, then I will dream/sleep. Come to think of it, I love that quote.
When I was younger, I’d dream… they were about places afar, girls, and gifts. The images would be compiled mixes of things I've already seen and augmented in whatever way seemed fit for my mind. I used to dream of places where things weren’t “normal” or what I was used to. Places where skies weren’t blue and grass wasn’t green. And those dreams still come, but I never try to remember them. I used to dream of gifts, things given to me that would, as a child, make my life better. Maybe a telescope or a new computer… those dreams I just keep stored until I have the bank account to support them. Since I’m so into comics naturally, I’d have gifts there weren’t human… and I've since realized they were merely because of the images I've seen and that I am human… flawed in every way that makes me, me. And yes, dreams of girls… being in a relationship, trips to various places around the world, and of course nocturnal happenings. Although they were never nightmares, they still haunted me then.
Then there was a time where I couldn’t remember a dream at all. Maybe about a year went by where I couldn’t remember a dream once I woke up, I couldn’t even remember having one. At the time, I didn’t think too much of it. It was simply something that didn’t happen. I felt I was content with my life and I never needed to escape it. I lived by the quote “I don’t sleep to dream, I sleep to build stamina,” [Mike Shinoda on a DJ Vice Freestyle]. I don’t remember the day, but my dreams have returned. And it has lead to the question of “Why do we dream?”
As always, I won’t say any names but you can probably tell by my recent posts… and again I’m left with the request that these dreams leave me or that I find something about them… another reason for there presence. And this might be a singular thing that only pertains to me… but dreams have always had something to be read in them. For me, they have to take place somewhere. Most of the time, it’s in a building structure of some kind. Because of this, I have accepted the function of dreaming. And from that, let me make use of them… free and unrestricted imagination. Let me take these dreams and install them into reality. Now that I think about the quote… if I longer can be imaginative while I’m awake, then I will dream/sleep. Come to think of it, I love that quote.
Love Is...
Welcome… everyone. I’ll be honest; I’m out here second guessing myself again. Thought I had it all sorted out? The problem lies in the doors I left open. I was told once that I fear falling in love. I’d say I’d welcome it, but I’ll do nothing about it. So really what’s the point then? I've thought about love on many occasions. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I think I got some important information to consider. So here it is, my love definition.
So it’s quite clear that everyone is looking for love… well it seems that way. But honestly, what are we looking for? How do we define love? [Take note… we] If you didn’t notice, there are different degrees for love. Is there something like true love? How is that different than real love? Are they the same thing? If they were… why do we define them differently? All the answers will come in good time. As always, we’ll start with dictionary.com.
love P Pronunciation Key (l(image placeholder)v)n.
The reason why this is so important to me is because I overuse the word. I love this (I hate this) or I love that (I hate that)… I gotta define it. I have to find a definition. And really, it’s up to me to decide the difference between paternal love and kinship love and significant other love. I think the hardest to differentiate is friendship love with the opposite [or your sexual interest… for you political correct peoples] sex and significant other love. Does it simply come down to sexual attraction to make the difference? If you look back at the dictionary.com definition, there are two blunt occurrences of sex (2 & 3). And maybe that’s it… I don’t know. What’s not mentioned is the growth of sexual attraction. Just one day ya wake up from some dream state that you don’t want to leave and realize that you’re sexually attracted to your friend. Don’t believe it, never happened; maybe you just don’t have sexy friends. Hehheh… I’m just kidding; but it does happen. Need an example? “Lovers And Friends” Usher, Lil Jon, Ludacris. What was that? You need another one… alright… “My Love Don’t Stop” Craig David. There, [both involve sex by the way] enough said.
And yes, it doesn’t always happen on its own. It seems to always take a blunt/clever/daring (whatever you wanna call ‘em) friend to point out one’s obsession with the friend of the same sexual interest. It doesn’t always happen this way, but many times it has/will… someone says something and you start looking at the person (in question) in a different light.
The difference between Love, Lust, Infatuation, and Obsession… well that’s another time.
So it’s quite clear that everyone is looking for love… well it seems that way. But honestly, what are we looking for? How do we define love? [Take note… we] If you didn’t notice, there are different degrees for love. Is there something like true love? How is that different than real love? Are they the same thing? If they were… why do we define them differently? All the answers will come in good time. As always, we’ll start with dictionary.com.
love P Pronunciation Key (l(image placeholder)v)n.
- A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. [Sense of Underlying Oneness… nicely put.]
- A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
- Sexual passion.
- Sexual intercourse.
- A love affair.
- An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
- A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
- An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
- A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
- The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
- Love Mythology. Eros or Cupid.
- often Love Christianity. Charity.
- Sports. A zero score in tennis.
The reason why this is so important to me is because I overuse the word. I love this (I hate this) or I love that (I hate that)… I gotta define it. I have to find a definition. And really, it’s up to me to decide the difference between paternal love and kinship love and significant other love. I think the hardest to differentiate is friendship love with the opposite [or your sexual interest… for you political correct peoples] sex and significant other love. Does it simply come down to sexual attraction to make the difference? If you look back at the dictionary.com definition, there are two blunt occurrences of sex (2 & 3). And maybe that’s it… I don’t know. What’s not mentioned is the growth of sexual attraction. Just one day ya wake up from some dream state that you don’t want to leave and realize that you’re sexually attracted to your friend. Don’t believe it, never happened; maybe you just don’t have sexy friends. Hehheh… I’m just kidding; but it does happen. Need an example? “Lovers And Friends” Usher, Lil Jon, Ludacris. What was that? You need another one… alright… “My Love Don’t Stop” Craig David. There, [both involve sex by the way] enough said.
And yes, it doesn’t always happen on its own. It seems to always take a blunt/clever/daring (whatever you wanna call ‘em) friend to point out one’s obsession with the friend of the same sexual interest. It doesn’t always happen this way, but many times it has/will… someone says something and you start looking at the person (in question) in a different light.
The difference between Love, Lust, Infatuation, and Obsession… well that’s another time.
3.15.2006
Marital Status: Retired - Perfect
Hey! Don’t think I forgot about you; get your ass back here. I told you I’d be back. Like I said, Saturday Night / Sunday Morning I was in some kinda funk. I’m not gonna repost what I said cuz it’s not really what was in my head, but there’s some highlights and basic ideas that’ll show up in this one. Like I said before, it was about my retirement… and like tonight’s return to being human… I’m going back with a different view on thangs. Yes, I’m still retired (and that’s brought on by a lot of stuff) but… I really don’t know how to word it… window of opportunity? I dunno… lemme just lay this down and see where it goes.
I started off by saying that I’m looking for a perfect individual, my companion and counterpart. Obviously, the first objection is going to be “there is real perfect human being.” Now… I love to play with words (if you didn’t get that), so perfect:
per·fect P Pronunciation Key (pûr(image placeholder)f(image placeholder)kt)adj.
So she’s got this abundant amount of knowledge then she’s got all these other qualities; like a hunger for knowledge. I mean she’s got to have that, if it’s so vivid in me. I’ll never name all the qualities that I need in a person to be considered (we’ll get into this later), but there’s some particular traits that I need. These traits are a part of me and therefore I deem them important. Now, I’m really creating this goddess almost. But I’m realistic and expecting a saint is just outta control (but it would be nice). After a while and after all these quality traits added, at what point do I expect too much? Am I allowed to want something that I've not even a glimmer close to? Basically, I look like I want something that is so much better than me that I don’t deserve it. And it is what it is, now if I think I can ever be satisfied with what I know then maybe I’ll be able to be with someone else. Those of you that know me, or hey if you read the last post… I don’t think I can be ever satisfied with what I know, there won’t be a day where I’m like “you know what; I don’t want to learn anymore.” So now what do I do? I keep designing a person that’s better than me, and that I don’t deserve. It becomes a vicious cycle; I’ll always think I’m not good enough to have such a great thing. Now I could be greedy and spoil myself a little, but I wouldn’t—it’s not my general nature. So I’m stuck… what to do? Find someone who thinks they’re just as lucky to have me and I think I am to have them? Sounds nice… but I’ll never really know if they think they’ve been so blessed. As you can see… it’s a sticky situation.
Basically, when it comes to a relationship I believe in a fair exchange. I wouldn’t want her to appreciate me more than I appreciate her, and vice versa. A fair exchange is hard to come by, not many find it… and when I do find a fair exchange, how can it be a fair exchange if what I've designed has been given to me and I’m nothing of what she has designed? Then what? Finding the one that I’ve designed is difficult, even more difficult is finding the one that I’ve designed and I (and my many flaws) an actual image of her design. Then there are all these things that I must be able to do, things like taking her typical day and making it extraordinary by doing virtually nothing (maybe something so insignificant I don’t even notice I’m doing it, but it was right at the moment she needed it.) It’s complicated, that’s what my relationship status is.
Back to why I am not going to entail all that I’ve designed. I believe in knowing what one is looking for, how are you suppose to find something you have no idea what it looks like? How do you find a needle in a hay stack, if you have no idea what a needle looks like? How do you recognize something you’ve never seen, either mentally or physically? So yes, I’ve picked the traits an individual must have for me to be with them. And I would never say them openly, why? Because I don’t want anyone to be swayed in any direction, I want people to be who they really are. Say for example, a person wants to be with me… and tries to be what I’ve designed [how did I get to be so lucky?] Naturally, she’d want to be what my ideal would be like, and then she is no longer true to herself. And well, by definition, she’s then not my ideal. Basically, I don’t want to sway anyone in any particular direction, all due credit to those that can figure out what I truly want and then tries to be what I truly want, she deserves a chance… but that’s not how I would want it. By putting out the things that you like and those that you’re not attracted to… I believe it gently (if nothing more) sways how a person is around you; and I don’t want that.
Sounds like a sad story, huh? Call it a hero complex, everyone else does. Last time I ended with “In closing, how can I love something that I don’t understand or know? I’m done with tragic endings…” It doesn’t quite fit here but you get a tone of what was said when I wasn’t myself.
I started off by saying that I’m looking for a perfect individual, my companion and counterpart. Obviously, the first objection is going to be “there is real perfect human being.” Now… I love to play with words (if you didn’t get that), so perfect:
per·fect P Pronunciation Key (pûr(image placeholder)f(image placeholder)kt)adj.
- Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind.
- Being without defect or blemish: a perfect specimen.
- Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area; proficient.
- Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation: She was the perfect actress for the part.
- Completely corresponding to a description, standard, or type: a perfect circle; a perfect gentleman.
- Accurately reproducing an original: a perfect copy of the painting.
- Complete; thorough; utter: a perfect fool.
- Pure; undiluted; unmixed: perfect red.
- Excellent and delightful in all respects: a perfect day.
- Botany. Having both stamens and pistils in the same flower; monoclinous.
- Grammar. Of, relating to, or constituting a verb form expressing action completed prior to a fixed point of reference in time.
- Music. Designating the three basic intervals of the octave, fourth, and fifth.
So she’s got this abundant amount of knowledge then she’s got all these other qualities; like a hunger for knowledge. I mean she’s got to have that, if it’s so vivid in me. I’ll never name all the qualities that I need in a person to be considered (we’ll get into this later), but there’s some particular traits that I need. These traits are a part of me and therefore I deem them important. Now, I’m really creating this goddess almost. But I’m realistic and expecting a saint is just outta control (but it would be nice). After a while and after all these quality traits added, at what point do I expect too much? Am I allowed to want something that I've not even a glimmer close to? Basically, I look like I want something that is so much better than me that I don’t deserve it. And it is what it is, now if I think I can ever be satisfied with what I know then maybe I’ll be able to be with someone else. Those of you that know me, or hey if you read the last post… I don’t think I can be ever satisfied with what I know, there won’t be a day where I’m like “you know what; I don’t want to learn anymore.” So now what do I do? I keep designing a person that’s better than me, and that I don’t deserve. It becomes a vicious cycle; I’ll always think I’m not good enough to have such a great thing. Now I could be greedy and spoil myself a little, but I wouldn’t—it’s not my general nature. So I’m stuck… what to do? Find someone who thinks they’re just as lucky to have me and I think I am to have them? Sounds nice… but I’ll never really know if they think they’ve been so blessed. As you can see… it’s a sticky situation.
Basically, when it comes to a relationship I believe in a fair exchange. I wouldn’t want her to appreciate me more than I appreciate her, and vice versa. A fair exchange is hard to come by, not many find it… and when I do find a fair exchange, how can it be a fair exchange if what I've designed has been given to me and I’m nothing of what she has designed? Then what? Finding the one that I’ve designed is difficult, even more difficult is finding the one that I’ve designed and I (and my many flaws) an actual image of her design. Then there are all these things that I must be able to do, things like taking her typical day and making it extraordinary by doing virtually nothing (maybe something so insignificant I don’t even notice I’m doing it, but it was right at the moment she needed it.) It’s complicated, that’s what my relationship status is.
Back to why I am not going to entail all that I’ve designed. I believe in knowing what one is looking for, how are you suppose to find something you have no idea what it looks like? How do you find a needle in a hay stack, if you have no idea what a needle looks like? How do you recognize something you’ve never seen, either mentally or physically? So yes, I’ve picked the traits an individual must have for me to be with them. And I would never say them openly, why? Because I don’t want anyone to be swayed in any direction, I want people to be who they really are. Say for example, a person wants to be with me… and tries to be what I’ve designed [how did I get to be so lucky?] Naturally, she’d want to be what my ideal would be like, and then she is no longer true to herself. And well, by definition, she’s then not my ideal. Basically, I don’t want to sway anyone in any particular direction, all due credit to those that can figure out what I truly want and then tries to be what I truly want, she deserves a chance… but that’s not how I would want it. By putting out the things that you like and those that you’re not attracted to… I believe it gently (if nothing more) sways how a person is around you; and I don’t want that.
Sounds like a sad story, huh? Call it a hero complex, everyone else does. Last time I ended with “In closing, how can I love something that I don’t understand or know? I’m done with tragic endings…” It doesn’t quite fit here but you get a tone of what was said when I wasn’t myself.
3.14.2006
Still [Only] Human
Hey all, how’s everyone doing? Man… I don’t know if y’all saw that a few days ago, but I posted when I was intoxicated. You know there’s that little warning, do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of alcohol or any other drug… yeah… my blog should be in included. After much deliberation, sober, I chose to take it down. Don’t worry; it’s not a post that is completely lost. I will be discussing it later tonight. It was about my retirement and I preferred it be presented in a more honorable manner, such a delicate situation deserves that.
Today, including tonight is all about being human. Someone once said to me... “Carl, are you sure you’re still human?” And I kinda laughed it off… but underneath it all it was like I was becoming a machine; like I was losing my humanity. I cannot be detached from a race that I’m trying to protect and better. I can’t lose being human. Clearly, I’m not divine so I need to prove that I’m not a machine. So here comes the question, can I change myself? Can I better myself? Even of the most advanced machines today cannot notice their own flaws and improve themselves. And that there is key, noticing one’s own flaws. How can you better yourself if you don’t know what you lack? Furthermore, how can I preach something that I don’t even do myself? And yes, there have been times where I was a particular way and I changed it. And along with many great human things, no one was available to witness it in its entirety. So, how do I lead by example when there is no example?
I, of course, already know the answer [or else I wouldn’t be here talking about it]. I feel as though I lack in the reading department. I don’t believe I’ve read enough; yes, I read books from class, but books from class don’t nearly cover as much as I should have read. And yeah, I read stuff about philosophy and about architecture, and I’m in tune with poetry and various amounts of literature. But I’m still lacking in the reading department. I don’t read enough, period; there’s no doubt about it. So to be more well-read, I am taking it upon myself to read more. It’s far easier to change oneself, than to change another. So instead of waiting for someone to make me read [like all those that have tried before], I am going to pick a book up on my own and lead by example. As this blog is a promise to me, and I don’t know how y’all can check on me, but I hope that you will begin to notice the change… hopefully references to novels and plays as well as music and movies will begin to appear. But wait, there’s more. It appears there’s an obligation from the audience.
Simply, I ask for material. How can I be well rounded without hearing from various sources? I have spoken to my closest avid readers and requested a comprehensive list, I hope this list varies as much as the character of these individuals I have asked. Even with this, it is not going to be enough. If you have a suggestion, please never hesitate to present it here. I wait with a willing mind and open hands.
Today, including tonight is all about being human. Someone once said to me... “Carl, are you sure you’re still human?” And I kinda laughed it off… but underneath it all it was like I was becoming a machine; like I was losing my humanity. I cannot be detached from a race that I’m trying to protect and better. I can’t lose being human. Clearly, I’m not divine so I need to prove that I’m not a machine. So here comes the question, can I change myself? Can I better myself? Even of the most advanced machines today cannot notice their own flaws and improve themselves. And that there is key, noticing one’s own flaws. How can you better yourself if you don’t know what you lack? Furthermore, how can I preach something that I don’t even do myself? And yes, there have been times where I was a particular way and I changed it. And along with many great human things, no one was available to witness it in its entirety. So, how do I lead by example when there is no example?
I, of course, already know the answer [or else I wouldn’t be here talking about it]. I feel as though I lack in the reading department. I don’t believe I’ve read enough; yes, I read books from class, but books from class don’t nearly cover as much as I should have read. And yeah, I read stuff about philosophy and about architecture, and I’m in tune with poetry and various amounts of literature. But I’m still lacking in the reading department. I don’t read enough, period; there’s no doubt about it. So to be more well-read, I am taking it upon myself to read more. It’s far easier to change oneself, than to change another. So instead of waiting for someone to make me read [like all those that have tried before], I am going to pick a book up on my own and lead by example. As this blog is a promise to me, and I don’t know how y’all can check on me, but I hope that you will begin to notice the change… hopefully references to novels and plays as well as music and movies will begin to appear. But wait, there’s more. It appears there’s an obligation from the audience.
Simply, I ask for material. How can I be well rounded without hearing from various sources? I have spoken to my closest avid readers and requested a comprehensive list, I hope this list varies as much as the character of these individuals I have asked. Even with this, it is not going to be enough. If you have a suggestion, please never hesitate to present it here. I wait with a willing mind and open hands.
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