I started off by saying that I’m looking for a perfect individual, my companion and counterpart. Obviously, the first objection is going to be “there is real perfect human being.” Now… I love to play with words (if you didn’t get that), so perfect:
per·fect P Pronunciation Key (pûr(image placeholder)f(image placeholder)kt)adj.
- Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind.
- Being without defect or blemish: a perfect specimen.
- Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area; proficient.
- Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation: She was the perfect actress for the part.
- Completely corresponding to a description, standard, or type: a perfect circle; a perfect gentleman.
- Accurately reproducing an original: a perfect copy of the painting.
- Complete; thorough; utter: a perfect fool.
- Pure; undiluted; unmixed: perfect red.
- Excellent and delightful in all respects: a perfect day.
- Botany. Having both stamens and pistils in the same flower; monoclinous.
- Grammar. Of, relating to, or constituting a verb form expressing action completed prior to a fixed point of reference in time.
- Music. Designating the three basic intervals of the octave, fourth, and fifth.
So she’s got this abundant amount of knowledge then she’s got all these other qualities; like a hunger for knowledge. I mean she’s got to have that, if it’s so vivid in me. I’ll never name all the qualities that I need in a person to be considered (we’ll get into this later), but there’s some particular traits that I need. These traits are a part of me and therefore I deem them important. Now, I’m really creating this goddess almost. But I’m realistic and expecting a saint is just outta control (but it would be nice). After a while and after all these quality traits added, at what point do I expect too much? Am I allowed to want something that I've not even a glimmer close to? Basically, I look like I want something that is so much better than me that I don’t deserve it. And it is what it is, now if I think I can ever be satisfied with what I know then maybe I’ll be able to be with someone else. Those of you that know me, or hey if you read the last post… I don’t think I can be ever satisfied with what I know, there won’t be a day where I’m like “you know what; I don’t want to learn anymore.” So now what do I do? I keep designing a person that’s better than me, and that I don’t deserve. It becomes a vicious cycle; I’ll always think I’m not good enough to have such a great thing. Now I could be greedy and spoil myself a little, but I wouldn’t—it’s not my general nature. So I’m stuck… what to do? Find someone who thinks they’re just as lucky to have me and I think I am to have them? Sounds nice… but I’ll never really know if they think they’ve been so blessed. As you can see… it’s a sticky situation.
Basically, when it comes to a relationship I believe in a fair exchange. I wouldn’t want her to appreciate me more than I appreciate her, and vice versa. A fair exchange is hard to come by, not many find it… and when I do find a fair exchange, how can it be a fair exchange if what I've designed has been given to me and I’m nothing of what she has designed? Then what? Finding the one that I’ve designed is difficult, even more difficult is finding the one that I’ve designed and I (and my many flaws) an actual image of her design. Then there are all these things that I must be able to do, things like taking her typical day and making it extraordinary by doing virtually nothing (maybe something so insignificant I don’t even notice I’m doing it, but it was right at the moment she needed it.) It’s complicated, that’s what my relationship status is.
Back to why I am not going to entail all that I’ve designed. I believe in knowing what one is looking for, how are you suppose to find something you have no idea what it looks like? How do you find a needle in a hay stack, if you have no idea what a needle looks like? How do you recognize something you’ve never seen, either mentally or physically? So yes, I’ve picked the traits an individual must have for me to be with them. And I would never say them openly, why? Because I don’t want anyone to be swayed in any direction, I want people to be who they really are. Say for example, a person wants to be with me… and tries to be what I’ve designed [how did I get to be so lucky?] Naturally, she’d want to be what my ideal would be like, and then she is no longer true to herself. And well, by definition, she’s then not my ideal. Basically, I don’t want to sway anyone in any particular direction, all due credit to those that can figure out what I truly want and then tries to be what I truly want, she deserves a chance… but that’s not how I would want it. By putting out the things that you like and those that you’re not attracted to… I believe it gently (if nothing more) sways how a person is around you; and I don’t want that.
Sounds like a sad story, huh? Call it a hero complex, everyone else does. Last time I ended with “In closing, how can I love something that I don’t understand or know? I’m done with tragic endings…” It doesn’t quite fit here but you get a tone of what was said when I wasn’t myself.