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In the Chamber of My Mind

Hey everyone… how’s everyone doing tonight? Good, I hope. I hope all is well with you and yours. I hope everyone had a good break… even if your break was only a day long, like mine. Man… this Architecture projects is damn near getting’ the best of me. Ha! Nah but seriously… this up until 4 in the morning ain’t cool man. Then again, I can’t complain because it’s mostly all self inflicted. I don’t have to care about my project, but I do. So I spend time on it, figure that shiet out. Plus, I like it when my brains buzzing from situation to situation. Anyways… back to the topic… I think people think I’m hard to talk to… or have a difficulty giving advice to… hmmm…

So we ran into a like dilemma today in the matter of my architectural project. And I’m sittin’ there trying to figure out a solution. In our studio, we have people that are willing to put their opinion forth… or give a little suggestion. Now, I personally do love when this happens. I think people see me as just ignoring them… when I’m standing there in silence. But behind these “blank” eyes is the chaos that ensues behind my exterior. In my mind, things are going a mile a minute. When someone gives me a suggestion, there’s a rush of so many different things about the suggestion. I think so people think I’m not listening, but when I respond or speak… I believe so much development comes out that people don’t even realize themselves. It’s kinda back to the whole pre-cognition thing. I’ll say something… and the person that I said it to… they’ll get what I was saying maybe 10-15 minutes later. I think some people know that the lights are flickering on and off, information blurring through the space of my mind. And I suppose that it is awkward when someone has just finished saying something but I don’t have a response or rather say anything. I guess… people have to realize when I speak about something… I thought it thru pretty deeply. Personally, I think I thirst for another opinion, that’s why I ask all of you to post or comment or respond (*hint hint*). Man, I've been repeatedly reminded about people living in their own worlds lately.

Do we ever really know what goes on in someone’s head? What they’re thinking? Can we eve really know? I don’t think it’s a good thing to generalize people out, and talk about what their probably thinking… humans change… they’re not like set in stone. They adapt, they change… basically their different. That’s what makes humans so separate. Over seven billion people… of all the different from one another… kinda crazy, but it’s true (and nothing before but ever really matters). Wow, just felt like a ton of bricks just hit me… I’m getting’ tired… This isn’t so good, alright; I gotta get off of his… and stay busy. Until next time, I’ll be here… will you?


Marital Status: Retired - Family

Hey everyone, it’s one of those nights… you know... got the candles lit, just sittin’ back and thinking. Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving so the drawing is a little light tonight… figured I’d devote to y’all. Man… right around this time of the year, I start thinking about what’s change in the last year. Usually starts with the 12th of November… yeah… there’s that 12 again… anyways, back to what I was sayin’… looking back at the past year and what’s changed. I must say, it’s been a lot… But Imma start with something pretty specific… Right now, the major thing that stands in my mind is… I’m not in a relationship. Most of it was by choice and what not, that doesn’t change the fact that it’s… different. I haven’t talked about my martial status on here before… looks like tonight I’m going to start. Those that know me with a little depth… they know I claim I’m retired. Some of you may be asking what you mean by retirement. And it’s exactly that, retirement. I’m done, “I’m walking away” [Craig David – Walking Away]. Lemme explain… I got a lot of reasons, but imma just touch on one right now… maybe something a little later… we’ll see.

As most of your readers already know, I’m studying to be an architect. For all of you that don’t know, architecture is time consuming. For the architect that I want to be and the things I want to achieve… it will consume me, everything of me. I don’t see time for a family that I’m going to leave for extended periods of time. A wife that sleeps in the martial bed alone and the other side of the bed is… cold. If I were to have a wife, I’d want kids as well. What’s the point of marriage if there’s no procreation? I don’t want to have children that grow up without a father, or a wife without a husband. I can’t imagine having a little girl and having her look up at my wife and say “when’s dad coming back?” That’s not right, or a little boy looking up at his mother and saying “when can dad come to one of my games?” That’s fucked up… I can’t have kids that ask questions like that. I can’t just take them with me. That’s another tragic story of a kid without a social life, having to hop from place to place… that’s what I expect my career to do to me. Without any attachments, I wouldn’t have that on my mind… ya know… remove it completely. [Start downloading Fort Minor, Holly Brook, Jonah Matranga – Where’d You Go? I’ll talk about it toward the end of this blog.] And people say “yeah, you could just shorten your career or your ambitions”… I don’t wanna compromise those things, I don’t want to shorten my career; my career isn’t for the fame… “Its not who I am on the inside, it’s what I do” [Batman Begins]. The stuff I want to design and build and have a part of, nothing to do with the fame… its dedicated to those that weren’t given what I was when I was born… reward those that made it though, or stand on the same side of the river. I wanna design places for those kids who have parents that bust their ass everyday to make sure the kid has food, a place to come and develop… intellectually, artistically, in every way positive. And I don’t plan just sticking to the United States; some parts of the United States have homeless shelters that waste food… how ignorant is that… those individuals I can’t help. And how hypocritical is it for me to design those types of buildings and leave my own kids in the dark? It’s a tough choice. If you could save only one family from a burning building, you’re the father/mother of one and the father/mother of the other family is asking you to save theirs… what would you choose? Your own? Theirs? I think the decision is easier, when I take one element out… not to have a family. It’s no longer a choice… it’s a question of whether I have the courage to do it; I say bring that shiet… I was born ready… just needed directions. Did y’all like that… my own little modified quote… alright side-tracked again… back to the topic. It’s tough to raise a family, it takes a lot of time… and the benefits come ten-fold… I just won’t… I won’t deal with not seein’ my children enjoying something that I enjoy so much without me… I won’t bear to not witness them playing in the snow, daughter running up to me sayin’ she made a snow angel. That’s tough… not being able to witness that… just can’t do it. People say I could shorten my career… if I do that… I can’t do everything I wanted to do… Either way, I’ll suffer but… “One person's pain is nothing when compared to the suffering of all” [Hero]. This is my sacrifice to the rest of humanity, let it be known.

Onto the track… basically it just describes what I don’t want to hear… I don’t want to do this to anyone… ever. They feel like shit, I feel like shit. Just won’t do it. Madd props to Fort Minor [Mike Shinoda] Enjoy… shed a tear...

Fort Minor, Holly Brook, and Jonah Matranga - Where'd You Go
[Holly / Jonah]
Where'd you go / I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone

She said
"Some days I feel like shit / some days I wanna
Quit / and just be normal for a bit
I don't understand why you have to always be gone
I get along but the trips always feel so long / and
I find myself trying to stay by the phone
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot working my day around a
Call that when I pick up I don't have must to say / so
I want you to know it's a little fucked up / that
I'm stuck here waiting
At time debating telling you that I've had it with you
And your career
Me and the rest of the family here
Singing where'd you go

[Holly / Jonah]
Where'd you go / I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Where'd you go / I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home

Come back home / you know that place where you used to live?
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs
Used to have a little party every Halloween
With candy by the pile
But now you only stop by every once and a while
(Shit) I find myself just filling my time
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind
I'm doing fine / and I'm planning to keep it that way
And you can call me if you find that you have something to say
And I'll tell you:
I want you to know it's a little fucked up / that
I'm stuck here waiting
At time debating telling you that I've had it with
And your career
Me and the rest of the family here
Singing where'd you go

[Holly / Jonah]
Where'd you go / I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Where'd you go / I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home

I want you to know it's a little fucked up / that
I'm stuck here waiting
No longer debating
Tired of sitting and hating and making these excuses
For why you're not around / and feeling so useless
It seems one thing has been true all along
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone
I guess I've had it with you and your career
When you come back I won't be here
And you can sing it

[Holly / Jonah]
Where'd you go / I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Where'd you go / I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home"


Fort Minor, Black Thought, Styles Of Beyond - Right Now

Early post today… FORT MINOR… THE RISING TIED is here. I got my package yesterday… and this song is so dope, I just had to post. I haven’t gone through the entire CD yet… but I’m postin’ the lyrics for this one.

Fort Minor, Black Thought, Styles Of Beyond – Right Now

Fort Minor [Mike of Linkin Park]:
Someone right now / is leaving their apartment
Looking down at the street and wondering where their car went
Someone in a car is sitting at a signal
In front of a restaurant / staring thru the window at
Someone right now with their finger in their teeth
Who could use a little floss / right across the street there’s
Somebody on the curb / who really needs a jacket
But spent half the rent at a bar getting plastered
Now he’s gotta walk / 14 block just to
Work at a shop where he’s about to get fired
Someone right now / is looking pretty tired
Staring at a laptop / trying to get inspired as
Somebody / living right across the street
Just wrote the best thing that she’s written all week
But her best friend is coughing up blood in the sink
He can’t even think what happened / feeling so confused
And he knows it looks bad but there’s nothing he can do
I wonder what it’s like to be right there in his shoes
Yo I’m just taking it in
Out the window of a hotel bedroom again
Tomorrow I’ll be gone / I don’t know when I’ll be back
But in this world everything can change just like that
Like that

Ryu [Styles of Beyond]:
Somebody right now is dropping his vote inside a
Box and trying not to get shot in his throat for the act of freedom
Right now / Somebody’s stuck in Iraq
Hoping that he gets shipped back breathing
In a war but he’s not really sure the reasons
So we show our support when the press mislead him
Though we mourn / remain proud / salute the troops
Get some / I know you boys got some work to do

Tak [Styles Of Beyond]:
Meanwhile / right now someone’s 25-to-life-ing
Standing on a corner with their thumb up hitchhiking
Scratching off a lotto ticket hoping for a real winner
Sneaking through the border just to work and eat a real dinner
Right now someone wishes they were you and I
Instead of second-guessing fatal thoughts of quiet suicide
But right now I’m staring out the window at a fiend
With holes in his arm and / holes in his jeans
He pulled out a cigarette and sparked a light
And walked right around the corner just out of my sight
I’m just taking it in
From a second story hotel window again
The T.V.’s on and my bags are packed
But in this world everything can change just like that
Like that

Black Thought [The Roots]:
Yeah / right now somebody’s sittin’ in the darkness
Tryin’ to figure how to put some heat in they apartment but
They got a little mattress / little carpet
And they appreciate it ‘cause some people on
a park bench
You see ‘em when you rushing to get
To the office
Wife ride by ‘em when she comin’ from the market
Right now somebody comin’
Out the pocket
Tryin’ to dump that rock / they
runnin’ ‘round the block with
Same time the cops is
raisin’ the glock
With aim to fill your legs
And your back with some hot shit
Right now somebody’s struggling to stop this
Man that’s kicking
And punching and
Cussing at the doctors
Down the hall a child is takin’ its first breath
The doctor’s ain’t even passed
Him to the nurse yet / yo
I wonder if he understand what it’s worth yet
Life / the time spent while we here on the earth yet
The answers to the questions we all seek
Can be found / it depend on how free y’all think
Right now / it’s somebody who ain’t eat all week
That would kill / for the shit you throw away in the street
I guess one man’s trash is the next man’s treasure
One man’s pain is the next man’s pleasure
One say infinity the next say forever
Right now / everybody got to / get it together man
I’m just taking it in
In another strange hotel lobby again
With my luggage on my back / I don’t know where I’m at
I’m in a world where it all change like that
Like that

Man… there’s so many thought right now… racing. It’s blur in my head… “Thinkin’ ‘bout nothin’ more than life, what else?” [50 Cent – God Gave Me Style]. There’s so many things I wanna say about this track…about the world… about our society… when things die down, I’ll say something. This track is on repeat right now… and “I’m just taking it in”… Damn… the PIANO!!! I’m like speechless… wow… MADD Props! Get the CD… download that shit… whatever… hear that shit! I’m Out… ‘til the fog in my head gets a little clearer.


The First Fall

Hello everyone, [as I greet everyone with an extra big smile on my face] Today, I’m a bit happier than my normal state of happiness. Many factors are attributing to this… there’s not enough time in the day to speak on all the subjects. Tonight, I want to talk about the beautiful white fluff that falls from the sky.

Snow, every time I see it… I can’t help it… I just have to smile at it. The snow just reminds me of so many different things all at once. I long for the days where I can sit back enjoy a cup of hot chocolate [with marshmallows] and watch the snow fall… watch it pile up… endless white as far as the eye can see from top to bottom. Outlines of rocks, trees, bushes, and buildings… everything… covered in white fluff. Completely form-able when packed… and so fluffy unpacked… it just takes so many different forms. I can’t really understand why people don’t like the snow… yeah… they say its cold… so what… stay inside… doesn’t take away from it being so damn playful, just watching it fall is enough to smile about. Winter wonderland… yeah, I’m trying to find it still. That’s where I’m going to live, a place that has snow 70%-80% of the year… maybe even 100% of the year… roll out the ATV and just enjoy it. I’m drifting… drifting into a day dream… hopefully next time it’ll be something more intellectual, the installation project is taking over.

On second thought, I haven’t explained the next project… well it’s an installation project. We are going to build [out of cardboard] an interior into the existing Architecture building. Basically, most groups are given an overlooked space of the building and are going to install something [hopefully, makes the area more inviting] into it. My group was blessed with the site near the main entrance… a site that most people are late to go to class… they walk past everyday. I've noticed that most people are usually only in these area for a brief moment and the design should reflect that. I also wanted to pay tribute to the original Architecture of the building. The original function of our site was to be the center of circulation… it was the main/grand staircase of the building. I wanted to make sure people would continue to interact within it… now it is overlooked… I planned to bring more people back to it. As most of my projects, I have haters… but there will always be haters and that never hampers the success of a well planned design. I don’t worry about haters. When they’re runnin’ low, I’m just startin’.


Back To Basics

Wow… this needs to be pan out as much as possible… It’s on Google’s main personalized homepage… I’m sure they’ve got it covered… a little more can’t hurt. Please read the link before for proceeding.

I have found truth in every statement… there’s nothing clearer than the ideas that are expressed here. I’m old-fashioned in many ways… these are old fashion ideas… and they work… for what reason why we have changed… I have no idea… back to basics; I believe is what we need. I believe when one person is going to “date” someone else they should go somewhere. Ya know… like a date. I’d say go to a place nice to eat… nice sit down restaurant. I’d prefer this because I can have an expert prepared meal, nice conversation, find some more information about the person across the table, and check up on manners (how the person across the table eats… tells a lot about the person). I believe the more expensive the restaurant, the more important the manners. That essence in natural presentation, we’ve lost that as a society. My father taught me to eat properly, when to use the proper spoon… how to eat… how to present yourself… because only you can truly present it. We’ve all been deduced to savages. Anyways… that was a bit of a tangent. I must say… maintaining a relationship is a rather difficult thing to do. But it’s only difficult because we make it difficult. How hard is it really to speak your mind? Communicate? Sometimes the ideas aren’t expressed clearly… and that’s due to the language barrier… but just attempting to say something means something. Could you image the death-toll if no one spoke their mind about the Vietnam War? Could you image the state of the United States of American, if Dr. King didn’t speak what he truly felt about equality? Furthermore, what Malcolm X said about the same subject? Communication is key… sometimes it’s difficult to convey a message (as it is difficult when I type to all of you) but at least there is something. You have a mind… think, it’s what makes you human. Yes, that means if you don’t have a mind, you’re not human.

.p.s. check those links at the bottom of the page… they’re good too.


Fate Vs. Destiny

Hey everyone, how’s everyone doing? While posting on other blog… I realized that the topics that I talk about; it’s kinda hard or difficult to respond to them. But I need your feed back to further develop them in my own mind, cuz they’re not complete yet. So if anyone is reading this… leave me something… geez. Anyway, I got into a discussion with one of my classmates yesterday, so I figured that I’d post up my theory on the difference between Fate and Destiny.

Well, as you can probably tell, I believe they are two separate things. Fate is not another word for Destiny, vice versa. This example maybe a little choppy, but like I said I’m still working on the theories (posts are good). If you picture life as a “choose your own adventure” book with only one ending, then Fate would be the end of the story. Since it’s a “choose your own adventure” and not a “choose your ending” kinda book, there’s only one way it can end. As stated before, this end is what I would call Fate. This idea of thinking doesn’t leave room for those that believe they have some part in their own life. I believe I have some control in my life, some free will, and I account for this by Destiny. Like a “choose your own adventure” book, there are key checkpoints that you have to hit… how you get to these checkpoints—that’s up to you. Those little points are what I call Destiny. It is your Destiny to get to those checkpoints; you choose your path to get there. Hypothetically, when you have a dilemma in your life and you have two options [most times you have more]… one says turn to page 23 and the other says turn to page 56 and you choose to turn to page 56. Upon reading the result on page 56, it just tells you to turn to page 23… yeah 23 is your Destiny. No matter what path you take, you still hit Destiny among those points, when you reach your Fate… the things you remember, those happen to be your Destiny or checkpoints. Life is a multi-layered path to one goal, when you go up ladders and down stairs… you’re still getting to the goal, maybe you’re taking a detour… maybe you’re taking a shortcut… either way you’re getting there. This applies with my own theory on everyone having a purpose, those checkpoints could have been your purpose, on a higher level, and your Fate is bigger purpose. Does it make sense to anyone? I think it’s pretty clear.

Anyway, when I presented this to her, she made the note that what if there is only one real path, and there was no other path to take… it was just an illusion and responded with the idea that I have no control then, I would like control I think it’s a very good thing. “The problem is choice.” [The Architect, The Matrix: Reloaded]

Then she asked a very valid question, that I’m not going to answer here because I haven’t thought about it enough, she said if religion played a part. Does religion have a factor? I’m not quite sure, on how to answer this… still kinda thinking about it. It’s a very valid question, [Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?]. I'll have to thinking some more on this, you know I’ll post that answer up.


Humans' Worse Problem

Sending another broadcast out into cyberspace… what’s the topic about today? Well, it’s more of a complaint… but not one that can be fixed… so I suppose it’s just an observation.

I’m going to start off with the basis… I believe there is a God and God created human beings. This God is just the idea of God [master and creator of the universe?], not belonging to any particular religion. I admire what God has created; I believe that God created everything on Earth (as well as the rest of the universe). There is one thing that I suppose I would like to remove from one of his creations. I believe the biggest deficiency in humans is…

the necessity of sleeping. Could you image if the world didn’t need to sleep? The amount of productivity that this planet would be able to provide is unimaginable. Scientist could work at all hours of the day and night… there’s no end. Without the need for sleep, and never feeling tired… could you image what this world could do in a matter of weeks? Now, all of those college students and people working on projects… they’re thinking I could get my homework done on time (don’t worry, I was thinking it too), and there’s nothing wrong with that… I would prefer to be educated more than the amount of time that I’m being educated for now… that’s like 4 hours… if professors could pump more information into my mind for a longer period of time, the amount of knowledge that I would have at the age of 21 is incredible. Now, just to show that it’s not all fun and merry things, there are other things that would last longer… things like… WAR. As a human race, if we didn’t have to sleep, we wouldn’t have to stop killing people. There is that possibility, if we (as a human race) never slept or paused, our steadily approach to the final end could come quicker. I can see both sides of the argument, I would just hope that everyone would be productive for at least 18 hours of the day… but that’s still just a dream. This post is mainly based on the fact that I want to just be able to sleep 2 hours and be able to go the next day at 100%. When I’m doing Architecture, I don’t feel sleepy, when I post on here, there’s no sleepiness. In that instance, where I pause… that’s when it hits me like a ton of pillows, it’s not every fun. It’s all the sudden, and that’s never a good feeling. Anyone out there got a cure of sleep? So I don’t have to do it, and still fully functional (and healthy) for the next day. I don’t even sleep to dream anymore… I haven’t remembered a dream in who knows how long… Sleep is a waste of time. When time is the only thing we have to worry about, sleep is the worse deficiency in human beings. “We don’t sleep to dream, we sleep to build stamina” [Mike Shinoda (Fort Minor) Lupe Fiasco, Holly Brook – Be Somebody].


The Difference between Day and Night

Hey everyone, how’s everyone doing tonight? Good, I hope… Carl is back for a session from the mind.

I've realized not many individuals see me and all of my many complexities. Let’s be honest and state that many don’t care, I think this is largely due to the fact that my persona during the day is rather distasteful (at times). Well, even I think it is, so it’s gotta be. Ahhh, the difference between day and night, the way I am during the day and the way I am when the sun sets are very different individuals. During the day, I am rather confident people mistake this as arrogant. I think this is the wrong impression of me, I don’t believe I’m arrogant… I believe I’m willing to express my opinion and speak my mind (and from the heart). I think that’s the thing that keeps both sides still me. Whether its daylight or the night sky, I’m always ready to speak from my heart. It’s just how I express it, that’s different. At night, I’m not as blunt so to speak, I speak differently. Most that read my blog, receive this “voice.” My friends that I have usually aren’t people that I have in class or people that I hang out with in big crowds. I take a different tone then, when I’m in class that is. Competition turns gentlemen into animals… I don’t mean to make an individual look bad in front of a group when I notice something that they might not have thought about, it just comes off that way. I believe there is a time a place for everything, with this in mind there are times when my night side appears in the day. This usually happens when there’s a one-on-one encounter with someone. At this point, I don’t believe I have to portray my dominance, I guess… I don’t know why I do it during the day, I think a part of it can be attributed to the fact that I’m at a very cut-throat position in Architecture. I just have that tendency to keep an eye over my shoulder to see who’s listening in on my ideas… I’m pretty sure I spoke about this before… people biting off another person’s ideas; it’s a lot easier in a studio. [Then again, you can’t create a buzz in no one sees you] So I guess if people really want to get to know me, they have to notice that small change that happens or occurs during the day, and wonder more about the level of complexity that everyone has; or to catch me, along with the other owls. We, as people in the world, can’t assume anything about individuals that have the ability to change. Since we are all human, we can’t assume anything about anyone. That whole can’t judge a book by its cover, yeah… I can’t look at someone and honestly know everything about them… or monitor how they conduct themselves and know why they do it. I think that’s why people are so interesting, I enjoy meeting people… just sometimes I’m not a person that’s very meet-able, if that makes any sense. The aura that I emit during the day is different than the aura that surrounds me at night. There are small glimpses in which you can see my nocturnal nature during the day, hopefully after schooling and all that, when I've proven myself to myself, that nocturnal persona can take over; this one, the one that speaks to you now; the one that always talks to you in the late hours of the night or early hours of the morning (whichever you prefer, and whenever you prefer to read my posts). I wonder though, would my nocturnal persona reveal itself in the studio, at night? I believe it has before, but I’m not quite sure. If the room was filled with people and the sun has already set, would I be nocturnal? Only time will answer this question… year end show is coming! I’m excited; hopefully someone comes to see my work. And for those that think they know me and have only seen me in the studio… well you’d probably wouldn’t be here, so that doesn’t exactly work… anyways… I know I’m one of those people you kinda want to know about (or you gotta kinda wonder about), that’s where that level of complexity comes from… following from that is the existence of the blog. I love this blog… I promote the damn thing every chance I get… you guys should be too *hint hint* anyways… I apologize for this post is only proposing small theories and whatnot… just something I needed to get off my chest and I needed an audience that consisted more than my sketchbook. Alright, I’m out… I got kinda a headache, been kinda sick… gonna get some fluids and sleep. Out.